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Captured UVA Theta Chi Brother Issues Public Apology In North Korea

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It was recently revealed that Otto Warmbier, a Theta Chi from the University of Virginia, was arrested in North Korea for allegedly stealing a political banner. He supposedly stole the propaganda poster — which probably depicted a butt naked Kimmy riding a unicorn as it pooped A-bombs on New York City — in order to join a secret society.

Side note: Homie better get initiated after this fiasco. Nabbing a sign from a dictatorship that hates America makes the Morningwood Drive sign you stole for your big brother look like child’s play.

Warmbier recently issued a public apology in front of North Korean officials. The statement is 100 percent forced. His remorse also appears to be feigned (or at least exaggerated).

How are the North Koreans so shitty at making a canned statement feel organic? Their PR skills are stranded on the launchpad right next to their rockets.

I do hope his treatment has been somewhat close to as humane as he says. But I doubt it. He’s probably strapped to a chair 24-7 with his eyes pried open Clockwork Orange-style, watching North K-Pop music videos on repeat (they’re just like regular K-Pop videos, but with a team of shirtless Kim Jon-uns dancing in unison and eating popsicles).

I’m not sure what the American government has done to help Warmbier. Hopefully the Hermit Kingdom will let him go after a few more failed attempts to convince the world how “humane” their treatment of foreign prisoners is. Here’s to a speedy and safe return home.

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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