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Valentine’s Day Is The Best Day Of The Year To Be Single

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Here’s what I do on Valentine’s Day. You dudes can take it or leave it. I get all of my single buddies together. We dress up a little. Khakis with a button down shirt and some sort of red accent. I said “accent.” An ascot, belt, or chain wallet. Keep it small. Don’t get dressed like you’ll be delivering a singing Valentine to a virgin’s girlfriend. Then we all go to an early brunch. The plan is to get there early so we can pick a spot that looks out onto the entire restaurant. We want the field to be in front of us. Then we have the best time. Not just a good time. We have a rollicking time. Like when the king’s best horsemen get together after winning some sort of joust. We clink glasses. Order pitchers of mimosas. Our pinkies are so high in the air that you could hang a shirt off them. When the brunch place fills up, we start to game plan. We look around for groups of girls (they’re there). Then we scatter. Each guy on his way to the bathroom takes a shot at opening up a conversation with a new group of girls. The conversation comes easy, “Oh you’re with that group of guys. What’s the occasion?” they ask as the girls giggle. At that point the guy says, “Just celebrating V-day,” then reaches into his pocket, pulls out a handful of red glitter, spreads it neatly onto their table, and walks away. Whichever group of girls is the hottest and reacts most favorably is the one we continue to pursue. Each guy makes a bit of small talk on the way to the bathroom, spreads some more glitter, and walks away. At some point before nightfall, we invite the girls with the most glitter filled table to another bar and everyone exchanges spit. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Maybe you’ll think you’re too straight to wear a wallet with a red chain attached to your belt buckle and a pocket full of glitter. Maybe you’ll think brunch and mimosas and clinking glasses with a bunch of your buds is beneath you and your crew. To those “men,” good luck. Have a nice Valentine’s Day on the couch at home eating a Hungry Man and doing curls. There won’t be any girls there for you. The only climaxing you’ll be doing is onto a picture like one of those weird tribute videos (girls can’t know about those, right? Instagram models wouldn’t exist if they knew about those). I’m okay with your smug face being out at the bars on Valentine’s Day, the greatest hookup day of the year. The day where groups of women are out in droves to prove that they don’t give a shit about some guy. The day where single girls literally walk in packs that might as well be carrying flags that read, “Come get me! Talk to me! I’m single!”

And maybe some women are reading this thinking that this is just some immature way to play off of their most vulnerable moment. A day built with commercials and Instagram and Facebook posts that all show them what they don’t have in a boyfriend. A day they feel the most alone. And I’d say that those women are exactly right. This is the whole idea. To prey upon a beautiful doe walking with a distinct limp. A doe that’s surrounded by a herd with similar limps and heavy lip gloss. But let me stop you from thanking me to say “You’re welcome.”

If not for my game plan, how would the day be spent? You and a group of young beautiful women go to brunch. Eight to ten beautiful, unattached women talking about the group’s most boring friend. The one that got really serious and hasn’t even hung out with you guys in months because she didn’t care enough. A meal spent passing around Instagram account after Instagram account of supposedly happier women. Until one girl starts to cry and everyone takes the dead space in the conversation to post a “funny” picture about dating pizza. That’s not the day you want.

The day you want starts with a plan to meet with friends and forget about the love that was lost. The day you want has everyone having a little too much champagne and ordering a french toast for the table. The day you want has a group of overly confident men clinking mimosa pitchers as if they were oversized champagne flutes. The day you want has all of your girls leaving judgement at the door because a bunch of guys had glitter in their pockets and didn’t care how stupid that came off. The Valentine’s Day we all need is the one where we enter a bar before nightfall with strangers and leave a little too late for a Sunday with a new friend. Happy Valentine’s Day. You’re welcome.

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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