Vegetarians Need To Just Shut Up

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I like to consider myself a pretty zen brah. I speak to animals, masturbate to paintings of waterscapes, and love to do cold yoga (which is way better than hot yoga because #nips). All this meditation makes me a hard guy to piss off.

Unless you’re a fucking vegetarian.

Now, before I get too into this, I think it’s important for me to note that not all vegetarians are terrible people. All vegetarians are pussies, but they don’t all get my drastically-in-need-of-some-Photoshop Calvin Klein undies in a bunch. The unbearable type of vegetarians are the pushy ones.

Pushy vegetarians are the vegetarians who think everyone should be a vegetarian. They pass out flyers with dead animals on them while you’re on your way to class, they scream out buzz words like “vegan,” “organic,” and “stop kicking dirt on my faux fur moccasins,” and they smell like the soil after a diarrhea fetish donkey show. They’ll see you enjoying a delicious plate of veal piccata and try to convince you that a nice hearty lentil dish would give you the same amount of nutrients and satisfaction. They obviously have no idea the immense happiness we frequent veal consumers enjoy knowing that the animal we are consuming lived a terrible life confined to a cage. It’s probably the closest we sick fucks will ever come to satisfying our real craving: actual prisoners. Still waiting to hear back from Abu Ghraib about that guard position that opened up, though, so fingers crossed.

Humans are omnivores. That’s not an opinion, and that’s not what “the man” is trying to brainwash us sheep into believing. That’s a fucking fact. If you choose to not eat meat, you’re the weird, unnatural one. I’ll make fun of you for being weird because you’re weird, but I’ll let you be your weird self. I’m not going to go and shove a ham hock down your gullet while you’re over there trying to enjoy some gluten-free radish latkes. This is a free country, so you’re free to do what you want, and I’m free to make fun of you for it. (Especially if you’re weak, undeserving, or, worst of all, a stupid hemophiliac. Fuck those guys.)

Furthermore, these pushy vegetarian folk have some fucked up logic. If humans eat meat, it’s the worst thing in the world to them. But what about bears? They’re omnivores and they eat meat all the time. Why aren’t vegetarians running up to big ol’ grizzlies with plates full of salmon-flavored soy puffs and trying to convert them to the green side? Too scared? Pussies.

Also, vegetarians would prefer I eat vegetables to meat. Vegetables are the food of the animals they’re trying to prevent me from eating. This means I essentially have to choose between eating an animal and starving it to death by eating all its food. I, of course, choose to do as any humane person would and throw that bitch in the deep fryer.

I recently got into an internet fight with a vegetarian. It went about as well as you’d imagine a fight between a troll and a guy who doesn’t understand what trolling is could go. If you’re wondering whether I put “carnivores” on purpose or if that was a mistake, my answer is “yes.”

I’m only slightly concerned for my safety after seeing that his Twitter avatar reads, “BE KIND TO ANIMALS OR I’LL KILL YOU.” I mean, my uncle Phil was technically an animal, and Mike was not very kind to him or his memory, so I’m gonna take his threat with a grain of salt.

In conclusion, go ahead and eat meat, America. It won’t kill you. I can’t promise that Mike won’t, though.

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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