There are so many things I could write to start this story. I could say, “I’m glad no one got shot” or, “Thankfully, even though at least one person was initially seriously injured, it appears everyone is going to be okay.” However, the details of this story are so confounding that the first thing that NEEDS to be said is, “Hey Arizona State, LOCK IT UP!”
The title of this story gives you a good idea exactly why Arizona State needs to lock it up, but here is the video for further illustration. It should be noted that it appears the 911 audio does not sync up with the events that are unfolding in the video. The first portion is of the initial fight. The second portion is of the retaliation. From what I understand, both 911 calls would have occurred during the second half of the video.
Here’s the breakdown of the events of Saturday night at the Delta Kappa Epsilon complex, in detail.
– An 18-year-old high school girl comes over to party at the DKE house after her prom ended. At least she was 18, I guess. Either way, mistakes were whirling around right from the kickoff.
– A 20-year-old townie by the name of Caleb Everett, incidentally one of the townie-est townie names possible, arrives at DKE to retrieve the 18-year-old girl. Replete with a sleeve tat and wife beater, he is exactly what you would expect an Arizona townie who is (presumably) banging out a high school girl to look like. Here’s a picture from the surveillance footage:
And here’s Caleb’s mugshot:
That might also be the picture from his Costco employee badge, you never know. It’s just odd that he’s smiling, considering what he was arrested for, though it wouldn’t surprise me if the Tempe police department is like his Cheers.
– Caleb, unhappy that his high school slam was showing him “mad disrespect” (probably his words) by hanging out with other guys who she absolutely should not have been around, was already feeling testy. He decided to have some words with the DKE brothers, because apparently his sleeve tat/beater combo wasn’t making it clear enough that he was not one to be trifled with.
– The DKE brothers do not take kindly to Caleb’s words, things get heated, and then physical. One brother appears to be so enraged that he decides to wield a folding table as a weapon.
It would not surprise me in the least if that was literally inspired by a recent episode of Monday Night Raw. I’m guessing most Arizona State brawls resemble a John Cena fight, in that the fighters are often man tanned and jean short clad.
– Caleb retreats, but before he does he vows vengeance, promising to return with friends. Oh, and also bats and guns. He says he’s bringing those too.
– The DKE brothers shrug off Caleb’s threats and consider the situation resolved, at least insomuch as to keep partying and not inform that police that a pissed off, Jesse Pinkman-esque local just threatened to come back with weapons and more townies.
– Lo and behold, Caleb Everett returns a short time later with his townie accomplices, according to reports five or six of them. Oh, and also bats and guns, he brought those too. The townies, initially armed with only the bats, attack the party. A bat fight ensues.
At least one DKE is seriously injured after being smashed in the face/head with a bat. In all, 5 DKEs will need to be taken to the hospital.
– After the initial bat fight, Caleb and the other townies head back to their car and grab handguns. Caleb and one other person fire several shots into the air. 911 had already been called by several party goers, and the shots can be heard on the calls. Police respond.
– Caleb and the rest of the Useless To Society Gang flee in a car. A police officer responding to the 911 calls sees the car moving “at a high rate of speed” and makes a traffic stop. The vehicle stops. Caleb and his equally intelligent pals flee the totally untraceable car, and in the process of fleeing they totally inconspicuously ditch their totally untraceable weapons. It’s the perfect crime. If you’re a cop, I mean.
– Caleb Everett, 20, Isaiah Everett, 19, Zack Rezendes, 18, Clarissa Casillas, 19, Michael Reyes, 19 are all arrested. All are booked in jail except Reyes. You’ll notice that one of the perps is female. Maybe she was the getaway driver? Would explain why they didn’t make it far, AMIRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– According to reports, two DKEs are still in serious condition. Our best wishes to them. Police are apparently also reviewing all security footage and will probably attempt to prosecute the DKE members who instigated the initial fight as well.
Wow. What a fucking mess. Before I get into my thoughts about the actual incident, let me just point out that lost in this whole ridiculous, bat fight having, frat stomping, typically Arizonan domestic disturbance of a story, is the fact that this high school girl everyone fought over went to her prom, but didn’t take her 20-year-old, living, breathing embodiment of bad boyfriend stereotype as a date. She also certainly didn’t take whatever DKE was shamelessly railing her. I don’t know who exactly this girl did attend prom with, but I’d like to congratulate him, because you sir are the first man to ever benefit from being stuck in the friend zone. Rejoice in the mediocrity of your sex appeal, because it just saved your life. You might be disappointed you aren’t hooking up with that girl now, but trust me, no high school vagina is worth staring down a switchblade at the end of an angry, brightly-inked arm swinging at your face. You do not want the last thing you see in this world to be the blurred image of a dragon spooning an ornate crucifix. Not only does it get better, but it could have been worse.
To whichever DKE(s) invited over/hooked up with a high school girl: WHAT. THE. FUCK!?!? How is that necessary? You go to a state school. Scratch that, you go to ARIZONA STATE. The only thing easier to get into than that school are the women who attend it. Sorry, that was an easy joke, ALMOST AS EASY AS THE CHICKS WHO GO TO ARIZONA STATE! And oh yeah, those Arizona State girls also happen to be pretty fucking hot. My spank bank looks like the treasure chamber in National Treasure after I peruse the Arizona State section of the TFM Sweethearts. Nothing but gold, plus a few sarcophagi, but that’s a different thing that no one should ask me about ever. You got your fraternity brothers (and possibly yourself) viciously assaulted, because you are terrible at using your penis.
This girl’s father must be proud.
Lastly, I’m not opposed to a fraternity collectively kicking someone’s ass if that person deserves it. If somebody vandalizes the house, assaults a brother, tries to steal something, etc. then action is called for. However, all this guy did was talk shit while he was trying to leave with someone who you shouldn’t have wanted there in the first place. What happened, guys? Did he call you fags or pussies or something? OH NO! He’s a townie with a tat sleeve, a shitty job, and a high school girlfriend, who one of your brothers has been fucking on the side. It sounds to me like you already won. In fact it’s a blowout. You don’t need to kick his ass because A) He didn’t do anything all that terrible, and B) Life is already kicking his ass.
Freakin’ Arizona State, man. Lock it up.
h/t to @ChrisNicolee_