It’s a scientific fact that America is good at fighting. Detroit’s very own Joe Louis holds the record for longest reign as heavyweight champion of the fucking world, which used to actually mean something, and five-eighths of UFC champions were made in the USA. That’s without even mentioning the giant swinging dick that is the United States military, the single finest fighting force on God’s Green Earth.
Combat is simply in our blood, from the brave men who fired the first shots at Lexington and Concord to the mythical might of Holyfield and Frazier. It is because of this that the internet went nuclear over a bald eagle fight in Augusta, Maine on Tuesday that required police intervention.
Here’s the Augusta Police Department’s take on the situation.
It’s a true testament to the majesty of these creatures that they ended up in a deadlock. America is literally so badass that it can’t even beat itself, unlike a majority of this site’s readers who refer to “beating themselves” as “waking up.” Unfortunately, the eagles lose a couple cool points for being pacified via blanket. If that’s any indication of how enemies plan to deal with the nation, our entire secret toddler army will be out of commission before we get a chance to mobilize them. That’ll put a real damper on our assaults involving Waffle Houses and public pools.
I’m just glad the rumbling raptors are still on the wing. Although it’s excellent fodder for comedy “writers” (both generous terms for yours truly), all this eagle on eagle violence is really just destroying their bonds of eagle-hood. Eagles need to start standing together, or they are sure to fall apart..
Image via Facebook/Augusta Maine Police Department