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Waiting On Marrying My Future Ex-Wife

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Waiting On Marrying My Future ex-Wife

We have an old saying in my household that’s been passed down from generation to generation: “There are three rings in life. First comes the engagement ring, next comes the wedding ring, then comes the suffe-ring.”

This little mantra reflects two family traditions we Caldwell men hold dear to our hearts: a love of blatant plagiarism, and fear of commitment. Now, where’s this swift-kick-to-every-Disney-movie-ever-made coming from? Over the past few months, my news feed has been flooded by so many engagement photos that I’ve practically had to get on top of the Superdome to catch a breath of oxygen.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-relationship. I don’t even mind the casual relationship, or even the suddenly more-important-than-engagement stage, “Facebook Official.”

(Side note: the fact that Mark  Zuckerberg has infiltrated even the most personal aspect of our lives is further proof that he is a tyrant on par with Nancy Pelosi, and must be stopped immediately.)


I get why I’m seeing so many engagement photos this time of year. Wedding season is a blast. If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that there’s nothing better than a group of buddies taking the groom out for one last hoorah, and though they constantly remind him how there’s still time to walk away from the alter, ultimately, they feel good for their fallen comrade and hope all the best for him.

But life isn’t like the movies. After the big ceremony comes to a close, the screen doesn’t cut to black as the credits roll. There are still careers to make and bills to be paid, the stress of which can make even the most compatible of couples fight more than Pacquiao and Bradley.

The only similarity between the big screen and actual marriage is that if the first one sucked, the sequel’s usually even worse.

All valid points.

Hey, if you’ve found your soulmate, and you’re ready to go forward with your funeral, more power to you, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

But gentlemen, I’m just not there with you yet. So, you’ll have to excuse me if I want to wait until my 30’s to get married.


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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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