The start of the semester is rolling around, and with that comes the return of the bad habits that have become ritual year in and year out. As students make their way into dormitories and classes, they also make their way into emergency rooms and slide right into an extra three percent body fat. And sure, fall semester entails a lack of boats, a severe drop in scantily-clad woman, and absolutely zero trace of a man named Phil who defies logic by becoming infinitely more and more sunburnt; regardless of all that, though, the summer is still just a warmup. An opener to the main event, if you will. And no one has the time of their life getting amped to Tauren Wells; we’re there to see Lionel fucking Richie. School’s back, baby! And paired with its gift of a seemingly endless amount of opportunities to get absolutely torched comes unconscious decisions to throw any trace of caution to the wind and indulge in your innermost desires, no matter how far down they hide.
For some of us, it’s women. For some, its drugs. Fuck, there’s even a rumor floating around the office that for one particular individual, it’s exotic fruit. And now, even though I can’t look at Jared or dragonfruit the same way, and my nightmares are painted with the intricate tapestry of literal forbidden fruit, I’ve come to the realization that the most appeasable vice to succumb to while in a progress-deprived state of existence is food.
This realization struck me abruptly one fateful Friday morning at around the 3 a.m. mark in the McDonald’s drive-thru when I was faced with a scenario that would change the dynamic of fast food forever.
“Okay, you fucks: what do you want?” said the designated driver, who was less than thrilled about missing out on a night of consumption. I opened my mouth to respond, but hesitated. Taking advantage of my inability to perform under pressure (a flaw which haunts me to this day and is responsible for both my loss in the 2004 tee-ball championship and my severely estranged relationship with my father), our dearest friend King Kong Cunningham leapt at the opportunity to order first. Six beers, five mixed drinks, and X amount of shots had left our dearest little champion in no state to negotiate with his inner demons. Instead, he let them take complete control.
On this particular occasion, he chose to order — nay, demand that the McDonald’s employee fill a brown bag to the brim with three Junior Chickens, three McDoubles, and a large order of fries. Now for those of you that are unaware or simply don’t choose to poison your body with such filth, King Kong Cunningham was now in possession of the raw materials required to construct three “McGangBangs” (with a side of fries). A McGangBang is a McDouble with an entire Junior Chicken placed between its two patties. It is a hulking beast of a sandwich (if you can even call it that). Whatever it is, it’s 760 calories of pure heart-stopping power.
At this moment, it was clear to me that his dick was exponentially larger than mine, so I was forced not to order. My feeble attempt at obtaining a Chicken Snack Wrap would’ve fallen short in comparison to the triple bypass that was sure to come Cunningham’s way. Upon reaching our destination, KKC turned the bag upside down and went to work assaulting his cholesterol levels. For the next 15 minutes, I witnessed him destroy his 2,280+ calorie meal. It gave me the largest erection of admiration I’ve ever had the privilege to tuck into my waistband.
Since this night, I’ve been dangerously aware of the eating habits of drunks — myself included — and have witnessed similar events unfold a multitude of times. College students walk a thin line when binge drinking. For most of us, the point of succumbing to our primal urges and ingesting copious amounts of Denny’s is after a near blackout, post-puke, or as the night winds down as a statement of victory; a sort of “I didn’t deserve to survive tonight, so I’ll take a day off my life with the food I eat as penance.” However, no matter the healthy nature of an individual’s diet, there will always come a point when the sweet allure of clogging their arteries with fried food that should be illegal will surpass the decision to eat healthy. Stay woke..
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