President Donald J. Trump has been catching a lot of flak for his tweet volume ever since he took the campaign trail last year. Whether you’re a person who needs to interpret every character in a social media post the way Wally needs to latch onto superhero movies to stay relevant, or the type who sees Twitter for what it is (free, unfiltered, no holds barred entertainment), chances are you’ve seen the recent rise in backlash for how often the leader of the free world shoots out 140 or less characters about whatever he’s thinking. Whether it’s the dreaded MSM (Multi-Scrotal Miscarriages, according to my sources) or actual White House staff who want the current Commander-in-Chief to put down his phone, the big question is “how does President Trump find the time to shoot out a couple racy, high volume numbers each day?”
As the proud of owner of eight different Twitter accounts (four for porn, one for work, two disappointing ones for myself as an actual person, and one that you can find in the bio below), I can see how it could be misconstrued that President Trump is wasting his time tweeting when he should be finding some solution regarding healthcare or guns or other things that are more abstract concepts than they are concrete reality (source not found). However, my experience as a somewhat competent tweeter has led me to the one theory that will get even the most up-in-arms champion of justice to lay back a little bit and give the tycoon-turned-fearless leader a little slice of that warm equality pie.
My mans is tweeting while on the john.
Everybody poops. That’s what my mom told me when I was a little skittish about dropping a deuce in the toilet, and what my senile grandma tells me when she shits herself every Thanksgiving. Thanks to the advent of technology, we now can occupy those 10-30 minutes on the crapper with something more fulfilling than reading the shampoo bottle. I think it’s safe to say that most people do their tweeting, reading, and emailing on the ivory throne rather than spending their time focusing on the task at hand. Speaking from experience, if you give pregnant women an iPhone, I can promise you that whole process will go a lot smoother.
Not to mention the fact that Twitter is a whole lot more productive than getting to level 302 in Candy Crush Jelly Saga or endlessly Google searching your own name. While President Trump could be finding the next starlet he wants to watch do weird stuff to Ivanka, he’s instead enlightening the people about his inner thoughts and feelings in a way that no “social media aide to the President” could ever hope to.
Judging by POTUS’ exclusive diet of taco salads and Trump brand steak, there’s a strong chance that his unending stream of clapbacks are a product of a hair trigger sphincter. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Red meat doesn’t always make its way through an older gentleman’s system as well as we can hope either, so that means that our HMFIC is likely erring on the side of caution and keeping his movements more toward the half-hour mark than a simple stop-and-go procedure.
To that end, I ask all the naysayers, would you rather a world leader tweet out a few grammatically questionable tidbits or clog up the Pentagon Wi-Fi with some raunchy searches? If President Lyndon B. Johnson can tell a tailor about the need for some bunghole room, number 45 can tweet on the crapper. Barring a sudden pinkeye epidemic among his Cabinet, I think we’re saving this nation a lot more embarrassment than you can comprehend.
An attack on a politician tweeting while they poop is an attack on all of us. If you want so much free will exercised on your use of a toilet, I ask only that you give others similar respect in return..
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