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We Must Kill Fidget Spinners In 2018

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fidget spinner

If you own a fidget spinner, I’d go ahead and press that back button to save yourself from my virtual anguish. Is it supposed to be like a top for grown ups and stupid adolescents who will spend their parents’ money on literally anything (or their own minimum wage-earned money, perhaps; I’m not quite sure which is worse). Regardless of whose money is being spent where, this shit is nuts. Kids and young adults alike went crazy over these things in 2017, and it’s starting to bleed into 2018. Maybe you as a reader have some very valuable information that I’m lacking, but why someone would waste their time on one of these IQ-zapping “toys” is beyond me. They must die.

There are lots of toys that have blown up out of seemingly nowhere within the last several decades, such as the Rubik’s Cube, Etch A Sketch, Kendama, double-sided dildos, etc., but what stops me from believing there’s a correlation is the sheer lack of benefit from the fidget spinners. From all of the aforementioned, there’s something to be gained. The Rubik’s Cube is a mind exercise, the Etch A Sketch requires and develops artistic ability, Kendama is at least… neat? Fun? And the last one needs no explanation. But the fidget spinner? Come on, people. I’ve been at least mildly entertained by YouTube videos of people who are really good at using cool toys, but if I ever come across a YouTube video of someone “fidget spinning,” I’d throw up.

Here’s a fidget spinner story from my life. It was your average Saturday night, and I walked up and placed my 30 rack of Natty on the counter. As I’m handing ol’ buddy my ID, I notice a stack of fidget spinners sitting there behind the Slim Jims or whatever the fattening yet delicious snack was. Being the self-proclaimed socialite that I am, I try to make conversation with the guy so I ask what the big deal was with these things, hoping but still not truly believing he’d have a valid answer. His simple, non-PC response?

“Retardation.”

Keep in mind this guy is probably 30 years old working at a Texaco gas station and didn’t exactly seem like the brightest bulb in the box himself.

Then it hit me.

There is no answer as to why fidget spinners are “cool” or “fun” because they’re not. It’s not the toy, it’s the act of investing in said toy. I lose faith in our youth each day, and this simple realization does nothing to slow down the process. So let’s kill fidget spinners ASAP before they ruin this entire goddamn year.

The bottom line: humans, especially young humans, are morons.

Image via Shutterstock

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