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We Need To Admit That Anal Is Overrated

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As men we all chase it. It’s the holy grail of unspeakable disgustingness that even the greatest of men aspire to say they experienced it just once. We beg our girlfriends to do it. We buy them expensive jewelry, Louis Vuitton purses, backstage Rihanna tickets and unicorns just for a chance to convince them to do it just once. It’s a sacred cow that we need to slaughter, to cross it off our bucket list of perversion. Women hold the key to unlocking this fucked up treasure chest and dudes beg to hold it.

I am of course talking about the infamous act of anal sex. Entering through the back door. Exploring uncharted territory. Setting off the alarm for a code brown. Men across the globe try to crawl into women’s assholes, hoping to bone a chick in her exit door before we all die one day. Many of you readers have probably accomplished this impressive feat. And to those men I say: You sick bastard. Shame on you, you gross bucket of rhino piss. You are a diagnosable sociopath who will die alone behind a dumpster with a heroin syringe stuck in your cock vein. I say that with all due respect.

I say this from experience. Yes, I’m a survivor. I spent time in the trenches. I spend my remaining days sipping coffee mugs and smoking cheap cigarettes with trembling hands wrapped up in an army blanket. I wake up with night terrors. I have Vietnam flashbacks. I have PTSD and I’m a hero, because I fucked my girlfriend in the ass and the trauma didn’t drive me to kill myself. I put my dick in a girls asshole and lived to tell the tale without taking my own life. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that because I put my cock in a girls ass, I’m way braver than a veteran. Any soldier you know, I have way more courage than them, all of them. Those soldiers are pussy’s compared to me, and you can quote me on that.

Let’s face it, anal is overrated. Every guy is dying to doing it, every guy who has done it claims to love it, and those men are either psychopaths or liars. Or, they’re psychopaths AND liars. Because anal is gross, uncomfortable and not enjoyable whatsoever — like this article.

Here’s why. Vaginas are built to be perfect for us. When God designed pussy, he made sure it was the perfect size and shape to be filled by our salami popsicles. Assholes were not designed for sex, though. They were designed to do the unspeakable. There’s a myth out that women don’t poop. Well, I have some damning evidence that they do. Do you really wanna shove your favorite organ into poops house? Hell to the no.

Me and my girlfriend tried anal about a year ago and I’m still recovering. It’s uncomfortable. A vagina is wet, an asshole is dryer than Steven Wright’s joke delivery. Think a pussy is tight? An asshole is so ridiculously tight that it squeezes your lead singer and it’s beyond painful. It hurts. A lot. A lot a lot. A lot a lot a lot a lot. And it REALLY hurts the girl. When me and my girlfriend did it, she was in more pain than Pacquiao’s soul after the Mayweather fight. And for those of you who say “hey, me and my girlfriend do anal all the time and it doesn’t hurt her!” Well I got some bad news, Brian, that means your dong is hilariously small and she doesn’t have the heart to tell you.

So stop trying to fuck her in the ass, it’s not worth all the effort. You will regret it, I promise. Stop whacking your bop-it like a frenzied chimpanzee to anal porn, it leaves out all the physical pain and awkward cuddling afterwards. Anal is overrated.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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