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What Fraternity Guys Say vs. What They Actually Mean

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“I’m taking it easy tonight, I’ve got shit to do tomorrow.”

I’m going to spend the first hour of my night drinking beer casually, until an attractive girl I know asks for shots. I will then become the most charming, handsome, confident, and intoxicated brother in the room over a span of 38 minutes. A knee scraping, fight inducing Category-5 blackout will commence. I will still manage to get my shit done tomorrow.

“I’ve slept with that whole sorority.”

I’ve slept with enough girls in that sorority to get blackballed. I’m no longer welcome on their functions, and get vengeful stares as I walk by their house.

“I’m not worried about the test, I spent all week in the library.”

I’m very confident about this test, despite the fact I spent 90% of the past week Facebook browsing and flirting with sorority girls at the library. I will cram the entire day and still manage to swing a B-minus.

“We are a non-hazing fraternity.”

We are going to haze your shrunken freshman balls off.

“It’s not a ‘Frat,’ it’s a ‘Fraternity.’ You wouldn’t call your country a ‘Cunt.’”

I don’t appreciate it when pledges use abbreviations, and will use a spelling error to prove my point.

“The social starts at 9:30 tonight.”

The social starts at 10:30 tonight.

“Motion to amend the bylaws.”

This chapter meeting is taking too fucking long.

“Let’s try to keep the risk level low this time guys.”

A blowtorch is not an appropriate way to instill fear in a pledge training program.

“You should have seen her body.”

Her face looked like an orangutan.

“I’m not that drunk.”

I’m trying to hide how drunk I am.

“I was totally about to bring her home until her friend cockblocked me.”

I didn’t close.

“I’m sorry Professor, but I have to attend my Grandmother’s funeral and have to miss the exam.”

I didn’t want to miss Formal this weekend, so I made up a story. This will be my seventh grandma funeral so far in college.

“You guys want to play golf tomorrow?”

Do you guys want to get cart-crashingly drunk at the golf course, hit on the beverage girl, and shoot an average score of 160 tomorrow?

“Don’t forget guys, we have an intramural game at 9 tonight.”

Please don’t drink heavily before our intramural game.

“We can hang out after I go to Happy Hour.”

I’m going to be at the bar from 3pm-Close. There is no chance I’m seeing you.

“Yes, Mom, I promise I’ve been studying for finals.”

I’ve been at the bars six nights in a row, but due to the wonders of test banks and adderall I will still get an A.

“So rock me momma like a wagon wheel.”

I’ve drank enough tonight to convince myself that I have an amazing singing voice, and will loudly share my newfound talents with the hot girl who has been eyeing my dick all night.

“We’re going to New Orleans for Formal this semester.”

We are going to have to bail a brother out of jail at Formal this semester.

“You look really pretty tonight.”

That dress makes your tits look awesome.

“I fucking love America.”

I fucking love America.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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