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By now, I’m sure you’ve heard of Warren Buffett’s billion dollar bracket challenge. I’m here to apologize. It’s already been won, so just give up your hopes of glory now. There is literally a zero percent chance I’ve failed. You’re more likely to see an Obama dick pic on TMZ than to see me call a single game incorrectly.
Since it’s so in the bag, I’ve gone ahead and taken the liberty of drawing up my post-victory shopping list. A billion goes a long way, and personally I can’t wait to make my dreams come true while simultaneously crushing the spirits of millions of other people. Here are the first 20 things I’m going to purchase.
- A hitman to finally take care of that Justin Bieber problem.
- My rival fraternity house, just so I can burn it to the ground and piss on the ashes.
- Mexico (for drug connections).
- A guy to follow me around every time I get drunk with a GoPro camera.
- A really fucking big boat.
- Pay the creators of “The Bachelor” to make me the lead for the next 14 seasons.
- Pay Nickelback to stop making music forever.
- See also: The Black Eyed Peas.
- Every single bar in my college town, just to name them all after myself.
- Twenty minutes alone with Kate Upton’s chest cannons.
- A direwolf. I don’t care if they don’t exist–with a billion to spend, someone could make it happen.
- Pay the creators of “Pretty Little Liars” to retire so Twitter is no longer worthless on Tuesday nights.
- Finance a new album from The Baja Men. I’ve always wondered if the dogs ever came back.
- A Chevy Tahoe replica made entirely out of cocaine.
- Personally finance a “Top Gun” reboot starring myself as Maverick.
- A controlling stake in Grandex, just so I could fire the interns.
- Early access to the next season of “House of Cards.”
- Thirty Golden Retriever puppies and a trainer to teach them how to recreate scenes from “Air Bud.”
- Every single beer in the state of Alabama, just to see the chaos that unfolds afterward.
- The moon. Don’t ask me how, but I’ll find a way.