Things I Wish I Could Tell My Freshman Self

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Hats off to yeahokaywhat over at TSM for writing a “What I’d Tell Myself” piece that didn’t just spiral into maudlin, cloying, Facebook-share bait about best friends and mean boys. (If you didn’t know, it’s a whole sub genre. Google “What I’d Tell Myself” but first get a quick head start on clawing out your eyes.) I would even ask yeahokaywhat to the spring formal if StuffFratPeopleLike didn’t tearfully beg me not to. Her list inspired me–a late 20s inspiration to everyone–to write my own.

  1. You’ll probably never get an STD, but you’ll always think you have an STD. Don’t ever get checked, because then it might come true.
  2. La Bamba’s burritos are not, in fact, “as big as your head.” However, they are as big as an infant’s head, and you will know what was once the female-exclusive intimacy of giving birth the following day.
  3. You can have sex while she’s on her period. It’s not leprosy. That’s why God invented towels. Just don’t look down or smell after.
  4. A guy in your house is going to tell you about something called “Facebook” and you’re going to half-listen then spend a semester calling him “Data” (because he’s Asian and you were already calling him that). You will also spend this semester asking him to “fix the mainframe.”
  5. Your freshman girlfriend will be why you get made fun of senior year.
  6. You’ll never get better at ending relationships.
  7. Your fraternity is great. Chant the name of it way more often. Don’t ever stop. People love it.
  8. Call Mom after two beers and before you take shots.
  9. Speaking of moms, find out what her mom looks like. She will look like that.
  10. Kissing a girl does not make her your “slampiece.” It makes you good, wholesome friends.
  11. Neither does having sex with her if you climaxed in less than two minutes. This makes you “farmer’s market partners.”
  12. You are half the man you believe yourself to be. Remember that, and you might actually get laid.
  13. You have less potential than you think. Remember that and you might actually accomplish something.
  14. The “Freshman 15” is a thing. So is the “Freshman 50.” So is the “Freshman Too Fat To Masturbate.”
  15. Date a girl who occasionally wears glasses. It’s like having sex with two different people. One is bookish and shy and desperately wants someone to take her out of her comfort zone, while the other is a sexual addict who never wears underwear and touches herself in class. Okay I’ll stop.
  16. You’ll meet girls who don’t get along with their bigs or littles or twins–just look concerned and nod your head like you care.
  17. If you meet a Jewish girl with an extra deodorant in her purse, she’s too much like Mom, so don’t hook up with her.
  18. Don’t be embarrassed about your dreams. Be embarrassed that you got drunk and told people about those dreams while lacking any discernible talents.
  19. Wear a condom. You’re not in the NBA.
  20. Even if you’re not into them, the girls who text you will sleep with you. The other ones won’t.
  21. Don’t cheat on any girls. It will never be worth the stress you put into what you do with your phone.
  22. No matter how hot she is, someone somewhere is dating her, avoiding her, and masturbating to a type of porn that couldn’t be more different than her.
  23. There is little difference between what a hot girl perceives as “rude” and what is actually you giving her the same time and concern that you give everyone else.
  24. One of your “friends” will make you spend money on a trip you never wanted to take. He’ll call it his “destination wedding.”
  25. The time will go by faster than you think. Live it up. Do it right. You take a job in finance and then leave to become a comedian. This whole thing is just a giant waste of money.

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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