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Try-hards multiply like rabbits all hopped up on Viagra and testosterone. There are so many of them now that I worry they’ll soon register as an oppressed minority group and start demanding equal protection for things like “fratting hard in the office” and wearing 2 inch inseam shorts. Nobody wants to see your dick, man. Put that shit away, or save it for the “Borat” sequel.
Nowhere are try-hards more visible than on Instagram. For all its redeeming features–girls wearing next to nothing, pictures of beautiful cars in exotic locations, coverage of major college events–Instagram encourages douche canoe antics because it’s all about you. It’s the perfect platform for people who think way too much of themselves. Try-hards have that shit in spades. These are guys who describe themselves as “frat gods,” after all.
So, what should you expect when these crusaders for frulture (frat culture) take to Instagram?
Every try-hard Instagram will have a sense of ego so inflated that people from the 1930s would have mistaken it for the Hindenburg. You’ll see exciting photos of try-hards doing things the rest of us might not take pictures of. They’ll also tag about 40 billion people in the caption because EVERYONE MUST KNOW. The try-hard will make sure you don’t miss that awesome picture of him posing in front of a shark tank at the aquarium in his sick Sperrys and $900 button down.
Or, in this case, a fucking jetpack.
Hashtags For Days
Hashtags are like seasoning: you use a few of them to spice up a post or to connect with people interested in the same things as you. Try-hards don’t do subtle though. They take the entire Webster English Dictionary and hashtag every word from A to Z. If you have #hashtag in your photo for anything other than irony, you’re the worst person alive. Expect many of these hashtagged photos on try-hard accounts, because of the aforementioned raging narcissism. The usual try-hard will make sure everyone in the world sees his post. If you don’t like that, then he’ll call you a hater.
Guys don’t really use Pinterest, but that hasn’t stopped the attention whore try-hards who are comparable only to strippers with college tuition bills to pay. The biggest transplant from the try-hard world to the world of the Instagram is the inspirational quote photo. My God. Every time I see one of these on Instagram–which are, of course, always accompanied with an avalanche of generic hashtags–I want to punch babies. Probably another reason why I’m not ready to be a father, but if Instagram was less clogged with masturbatory positivity on top of generic stock photos, maybe it wouldn’t be a problem.
The Instagram try-hard is a man for whom compensation is his stock and trade. It takes someone with a lot of desperation and very little self-confidence to spend his entire day taking shirtless selfies of his fraternity family. Just look at #frat on Instagram if you’re curious as to how bad this can get. The whole feed is pretty much sadness and disappointment with some cool stuff sprinkled in every now and again. The total lack of self-awareness some of these guys have is truly impressive.
The other big thing is that they seem to feel the need to take patriotism into almost hipster levels of irony. All of us love America, but when you’re a walking American flag menagerie, you might want to slow it down a little bit there, sport, especially when it doesn’t even make sense for you to rock a flag. Or, you know, you could just be holding it like this goober.
Instagram is a weird place, and the try-hard accounts do add a lot of humor to it, even if most of us hate them more than we would hate a communist GDI in an Obama/Biden 2008 shirt riding a longboard. They make us look bad, but they’re also pretty damn entertaining.
This one’s for you, try-hards of Instagram. Keep fucking up. God knows it keeps me entertained at work, even if that entertainment means weeping for our world when your frildren (frat children) are old enough to make important decisions. Hopefully they at least learn to take better pictures.