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Everyone watches porn. You watch porn. Your girlfriend’s side-guy Ethan watches porn all the time. Paul Wall watches so much porn he forgot to continue his rap career. You remember Paul Wall? No? Exactly.
Rumor has it that Abraham Lincoln was watching porn while he signed the Declaration of Independence. (By the way, before your snarky comments, I’m joking, I know Abraham Lincoln didn’t sign the Declaration Of Independence. Carrot Top did.)
But here’s a little fun fact, fellas. You can learn A LOT about who a man is by what kind of porn they watch. You can delve deep into their psychology and the root of their true self. We should start using this to our advantage. Detectives should start doing it. We could have stopped Jeffery Dahmer before he ate all those people if we just knew what kind of porn he liked.
You probably think I’m lying, right? You probably think this all some big joke, you naïve little douchebottle. This is some serious shit. I can accurately describe your personality judging by your go-to porn category.
You want proof? Well here it is, fucker. This what your favorite porn category says about you.
MILF: your girlfriend has a really hot mom, and you secretly wanna bone her but you can’t, ‘cause don’t wanna risk your girlfriend’s dad beating you to death with a golf club (dads play golf a lot, right?).
LESBIAN: You’re grossed out by dicks. Like, REALLY grossed out by dicks. You think most cocks look like soggy corndogs that an autistic toddler drew an eyeball on. You’d rather just look at two snatches.
LATINA: You secretly hate Donald Trump.
CUMSHOTS: You play way too many first-person-shooter video games.
FETISH: When you were a child you peed in the snow and enjoyed it in a way you weren’t supposed to.
FISTING: You’re a huge boxing fan.
FOOT FETISH: You’re a huge soccer fan.
VINTAGE: You’re a pretentious film buff who only likes old movies. You probably watch Casablanca five times a week while you drink herbal tea and stroke your long goatee.
WEBCAM: You’re the inventor of Skype and you’re a dick about it.
BABYSITTER: When you were a kid you had a really hot babysitter. Plus she was really cool because she let you watch 8 Mile, which is also why you listen to “Lose Yourself” every time you get a boner.
ORGY: You love huge, crowded concerts but you hate music.
THREESOME: You have a severe OCD and you can only get turned on by odd numbers.
SHEMALE: You love movies with twists.
BONDAGE: You like that if a girl has a ballgag in her mouth she can’t ask you to watch The Notebook.
BLOWJOB: It’s a hot summer day and the ice cream truck doesn’t come to your neighborhood so you wanna watch this and pretend that the girl is actually sucking a popsicle.
HANDJOB: You hate yourself.
MASTURBATION: You forgot how to wack off and you need an instruction manual.
ITALIAN: You really really really really really really really really really really really like spaghetti.
PARODY: You wanna watch the new Star Wars but you’re frustrated that there aren’t enough dicks in it.
REDHEAD: When you were a kid you watched Pokemon a lot and you would wish that Ash’s friend Misty was a real person.
COLLEGE: You dropped out and you’re ashamed of yourself and wish you could go back, or you just really love Kanye’s debut album “College Dropout.”
ANAL: You’re a monster..
Now watch TFM writer Jared Borislow’s interview with sorority girl turned porn star Carter Cruise
Image via Shutterstock