One of the benefits of school starting again is syllabus week, during which everyone gathers at the house to dage and compare summers. Who added the most distance to their drive? Who got a job offer after their internship? Who raked in the most cash?
But what I choose to judge everyone by is what kind of booze they roll up with.
Beer: Congrats, you managed to go the safe route while also doing nothing interesting. The only exception is if you’re coming in hot with a keg. But you’re not. You’re playing it safe with a thirty rack.
Wine: There best be women coming, otherwise you’re just wasting money. If it is just you and the boys, it better be the cheapest table swill you could find.
Tequila: You are the wild card. Whether the night becomes one to remember or one cited in a judicial board hearing, I’m blaming it on you. Stay gold, Ponyboy, you crazy son of a bitch.
Whiskey: This is where it gets complicated. There are two kinds of guys who bring whiskey.
If it’s cheap, you’re either the guy who sucks at talking to women or an alcoholic.
But if it’s quality and well-aged, then it’s safe to assume you’re the humble dad of the chapter who appreciates the finer things in life and reminds those around him of Nick Offerman.
Either way, it better be a handle.
Rum: You’re the half-sack version of tequila. Unless we’re on a beach, you will never have the allure of the real wild card. Please just stash your Admiral Nelson (your cheap ass didn’t buy captain) and save it for when the good drank is gone.
Vodka: Like whiskey, there is a clear divide here — except neither side is good.
If you bring a handle of Vlad and are expecting people to take pulls, you best sit on the bench with Rum Guy and wait for your call-up.
But if you roll up with Ciroc, you’re either fairly wealthy and for some reason enjoy literally watching your money disappearing a shot at a time or stupid enough to think people care what straight liquor with which they’re pregaming.
Gin, Absinthe, And Other Weird Liquor: This can go two ways also.
It’s possible that you’ll reach the nirvana level of drunk where stuff like two-dime threesomes and the setup to a bearable Hangover sequel happen.
But there is a 99% chance that you spend all night trying to get weird but no one wants anything to do with you or your unorthodox liquor.
No Booze, Just Mixers: This guy fucks. He’s the real brains here.
He spent virtually nothing on some juice and maybe some whiskey sour mix, but everyone will hail him as a god once they’re sick of taking straight liquor to the face.
Malt Liquor: A scumbag after my own heart. Everyone will roast you for your complete lack of class, but you and I know what’s up.
A forty of malt liquor is the equivalent of about 6.5 beers. You’re getting schlitzed on the cheap with something too nasty for others to mooch. Well done..