If there are two things that go together better than minors and MIPs, it’s dogs and fraternities. Having a quality frat hound can increase your house’s ranking tenfold. How many times have we seen “I’m swiping right for your dog” on some sorority girl’s tinder profile? One of my roommates in college kept his dog, who was our unofficial frat hound, at the house. It was a Goldendoodle, one of the cutest dogs I’ve ever seen. It became an almost daily occurrence that I’d go into his room and ask to borrow his dog to Snapchat or send pictures to some chick I was talking to who wanted to see how cute our house dog was. After all, a frat hound is technically everyone’s dog (just only one brother pays for their vaccinations). And you know what? I had a pretty damn good success rate.
While we all treasure our real life furry drinking buddies, there are some pooches only existing in movies and television shows who’d make ideal Greek row residents. These frat hounds that only exist in the realm of pop culture are doing us all a disservice by not being there for us in real life. Here’s my top 5.
5. Brian from Family Guy
Seth MacFarlane ran around like a drunken Walt Disney creating this timeless masterpiece that I’ve enjoyed ever since I had to stay up past my bedtime when I was nine to watch it. One of my favorite characters has always been the dog, Brian. He’s a womanizing, alcoholic writer (like yours truly). There was a part of me that 100% wanted to have him chill around the fraternity house… until I dove into his character a little bit deeper. Brian’s one of those dudes who pretends to be smarter than he is so he can look down on others and brag to people. He isn’t a fun drunk, either; he’s like a “let’s drink so you can hear me complain about why my life sucks” type of dog. In the end, Brian would be fun to have around for a few minutes, but as soon as he breaks out the literary references I’ll have had enough of him.
4. Snoopy from The Peanuts
Snoopy is the OG frat hound. He literally swags around being a boss while Charlie Brown dwells in a miserable existence of never being able to kick a football. Ever see the Halloween special where he pretends to be the Red Baron? Having an aviation license is a definite plus to any fraternity; someone has to be able to fly the private jet you claim to have. Add to that the fact he cooks in the Thanksgiving episode, so you know he’d always be cooking up some quality grub in the disgusting fraternity house kitchen. As much as I absolutely love him, I gotta deduct points for him for one reason: Woodstock. Wherever he goes, that little bird follows. That’d get annoying after a while. After all, we want a frat hound, not a frat hound plus weird bird named after a music festival.
This is my wild card pick here. I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself now, “Hey, why the hell is this dog from a 1950s TV show here?” Sure, Lassie hasn’t been relevant since the Eisenhower administration, but let’s think outside the box for this one. Full disclosure, I have never seen an episode of Lassie, nor do I ever plan to. I don’t think anyone born after the discovery of a polio vaccine wants to see that show. But the one thing I do know about Lassie is that she saved little Jimmy when he fell down that well. Falling down wells while drunk is a very underrated problem. Imagine being halfway through a mixer when Lassie comes running in barking at the DJ, who says, “What is it Lassie? One of the brothers fell down the campus well?” I’m giving Lassie extra points for the amazing risk management she could provide at events.
2. Marley from Marley & Me
There’s an old saying that men are only allowed to cry when Denzel Washington unites a team through football (remember Remember the Titans), but you’re a filthy liar if you say you didn’t cry during Marley & Me. That dog is the cutest imaginary movie character dog ever. Put him in your frat house and the girls will come flocking. They’ll have to take a number and wait in a line out the front door just to pet him. The only con I can think of with Marley is that I can’t look at him without hearing Owen Wilson say “wow” in my head because of those goddamn internet videos.
The undisputed king of frat hounds is Scooby-Doo. Don’t fight me on this (you’ll fight me in the comments section anyway, but whatever).
The second talking dog entry on this list after Brian from Family Guy, I’d much rather listen to Doo. Scooby offers hilarious insight and corny jokes to any situation. Just imagine what’d he say to Becky from G Phi when she tried to send a drunk Snapchat to him during a mixer. His best friend Shaggy’s the plug, too. Huge for the house.
In addition, Scooby brings valuable mystery-solving skills. Who stole that handle from the house liquor cabinet? Scooby and the gang are on it. Who kidnapped one of the pledges? Scooby and the gang are on it. Remember when the treasurer dressed as a zombie to convince everyone the fraternity house was haunted so he could embezzle funds to hide his cocaine addiction? Scooby and the gang solved that one. Also, the Mystery Machine would make the single greatest pledge taxi of all time. The only downside to having Scooby around as far as I’m concerned is having to keep mounds of Scooby Snax on deck. Worth it, though..
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