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Wholesome Parents Of Fraternity Members: Watch What Your Barbaric Children Are Texting

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Attention, wholesome parents! I, an insider into the “Frat World,” am here to help you keep your boisterous fraternity member children on the straight and narrow with my (insert 100 emoji here) advice.

If you see any of the following abbreviations appear in your child’s text messages, here is what they mean — and here is how you should react.

  • LOL – Lots Of Liquor – Your child is planning on drinking “LOL” tonight. If he is underage, sit him down and give him a stern talking to.
  • TTYL – Two Titties! YOLO Lifestyle – Your son just got to second base and is really excited about it. Talk to him about safe sex and consent.
  • OMG – Oh My God – Your son has just used the Lord’s name in vain. Let him know that if you are to keep paying his dues, he can’t do this.
  • LMAO – Lick My Ass Out – Another way of saying GMAR (Give Me A Rimjob). Let your son know that coercing women into playing with his asshole, and vice versa, is immoral.
  • G2G – Guy 2 Guy – Your son is attempting to engage in male-on-male sex. Let him know that you accept his alternative lifestyle. Maybe even hold a surprise coming out party for him at his fraternity house.
  • ASAP – Anal Sex/Ass Play – Your son is interested in butt stuff. See “LMAO.”
  • OMW – Ouch, My Wang! – Your son has an STD. Direct him toward some applicable literature from his university’s health services department.
  • <3 – I Last Less Than 3 Seconds In Bed – Your son is prone to premature ejaculation. Give him some stamina pointers so he is able to find a wife later on in life.
  • KYS – Kissing You Sucks – Your son is breaking up with a girl because she is a bad kisser. Offer him moral support; breakups can be tough.
  • LMIYAAF? – Let me in your ass at formal? – Your son is asking for anal consent. Commend his lawful behavior, but then see “LMAO.”
  • IJBCASI – I just butt chugged a Smirnoff Ice – Your son prefers to ingest alcohol via his colon. Call a therapist.
  • MARJKAD – Me And Rick Just Killed A Drifter – Your son and one of his pledge brothers have just committed murder. Lawyer up.
  • TFM – Total Frat Move – Your son did something he thinks is “frat.” If used in a serious manner, smother him with a pillow while he’s sleeping and then kill yourself for being such a shitty parent.
  • Image via Shutterstock

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