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Who’s Boning Ted Cruz?

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I’ll just come out and say it. The republican nomination race has by far been the best thing on television. Forget that poor man’s “Scandal” that goes by the name of “House of Cards,” the Grand Old Party deserves a damn Emmy for the must-watch, edge-of-your-seat entertainment they’ve provided over the last year or so. The two front runners have been fairly cordial with one another throughout — that was until now.

With virtually every other competitor out of the way, Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are starting to circle one another like two feral cats tussling over a can of tuna juice by the back alley dumpster. No one is safe as these rabies-infested felines go at it. Anyone remotely associated with the two are open season: friends, family, and especially significant others.

Somehow Trump has found an unusual immunity amongst conservatives regarding this issue, with his multiple spouse history and Melania giving off a serious mail order bride vibe seemingly not being a problem in his campaign. However, the internet is currently blowing up right now with allegations that the melting Marco Rubio wax sculpture that is Ted Cruz incredibly has a history with at least five different women during his marriage not named Heidi Cruz.

From The National Enquirer::

Private detectives are digging into at least five affairs Ted Cruz supposedly had,” claimed a Washington insider.

“The leaked details are an attempt to destroy what’s left of his White House campaign!”

The ENQUIRER reports that Cruz’s claimed mistresses include a foxy political consultant and a high-placed D.C. attorney!

Obviously, you have to pump the breaks and take any story broken by a tabloid like the National Enquirer with a grain of salt, though this is starting to pick up steam and get coverage nationwide. Where there’s smoke, there’s typically fire, but it’s hard enough to believe that one woman in this world lets Cruz inside of her, let alone six. Ted is a curly mustache and top hat away from tying his cartoon nemesis’ love interest to train tracks and laughing as a locomotive inches closer. What kind of woman would honestly subject herself to this slimy Snidely Whiplash looking motherfucker seizing on top of her for thirty seconds?

If this dude pulls, none of us have an excuse for going home alone from the bars ever.

[via The National Enquirer:]

Image via Youtube

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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