No, Please God, Do Not Talk to the Police
Yesterday I covered the members of your fraternity who are probably best suited to handle an encounter with the police. Today I examine the members who should, to put it lightly, stay the fuck away when the police come calling.
The-Pre Law Douche Bag
You know the type. He’s the asshole in your house who already thinks he’s a lawyer. This is, of course, despite the fact that he’s only taken and marginally passed some basic Constitutional Law class. The Pre-Law Douche is impressive in his capability to be simultaneously condescending and retarded. He’s the guy who plays devil’s advocate on some sports topic that is essentially not debatable, just because he thinks it’s good practice. When the cops show up not only do you have to make sure this fucktard doesn’t speak to them, you might have to physically restrain him from trying to confront the police. This is, as best as I can remember, an actual conversation between one such character (who was blackout drunk) from my fraternity and a Columbia Police Officer after they broke up an off campus party. It wasn’t at a fraternity house obviously, but the interaction is textbook Pre-Law Douche nonetheless.
Cop 1: Everyone needs to leave right now! Everyone out! Let’s go!
Pre-Law: Hold on, hold on, howdju just have the right to show up here?
(Cop 1 ignores the blacked out asshole in front of him)
Pre-Law: I’m just sayin’, what gives you the right?
Cop 2: We got a noise complaint.
Pre-Law: A NOSE COMPLAINT! FROMOOO? All these houses around us are students. That’s bullshit.
Cop 1: Watch your fuckin’ mouth.
Cop 2: The houses on the other side of the woods aren’t students.
Pre-Law: Well which one called?
Cop 2: We don’t know. We can’t tell you anyway.
Pre-Law: See, okay, let me just, it’s like, freedom of information. Have you heard of that with all due respect?
Cop 1: (laughing) You’re an idiot.
Pre-Law: Okay, okay, d’you know what? It doesn’t even matter that you’re taking a steamy dump on my constitution rights. How about let’s talk about how no way they can hear us enough to be disturbed. The forest acoustics…
Cop 1: The what?
Pre-Law: The forest acoustics prevent sound from reviberating, there’s no vibrator in the woods…just deer and bushes and shit. There’s your reasonable doubt, via science.
Cop 1: Okay, I’m not here to debate how sound travels through trees. Party’s over.
Pre-Law: Psssssssshhyeah because you can’t.
Cop 1: This is your warning. Get out of here.
Pre-Law: You’re a fuckin’ dick.
Cop 1: That’s it.
(Grabs Pre-Law, cuffs him)
As the officer took “Pre-Law” and shoved him into the back of the cop car he probably should have been screaming about not having his Miranda Rights read to him, but I think he was too drunk to remember what those were. The only people who evoke their constitutional rights to the police as often as the Pre-Law Douche are the toothless meth dealers who get face-stomped on “Cops.” The best part about that interaction was that he didn’t even live there, and the worst part was that I did. Those cops were in an AWESOME mood after that. It took a fair amount of smooth talking (see also: pleading) on my part to avoid several tickets. Don’t let the Pre-Law Douche talk to the cops, ever.
Any Pledge Ever
Maybe I shouldn’t say ever. If you bid the police chief’s kid it might be a smart idea to parade him around the front yard while the cops debate entering your fraternity house. Barring that or some other equally useful but unlikely scenario, keep the pledges away from the cops. If a pledge is working the door his standing orders for the night should be: “No random dudes, and if the cops show up run and find a useful human being.” Pledges, as we all know, are the worst. They’re timid and dim-witted. That combination can be deadly considering the fact that police are trained to find and extract as much information as possible from people fitting that exact description.
Cop: What’s going on in there?
Pledge: Uh, I mean, uh nothing. Just, I mean okay there’s a party but it’s just a small party, just like 80 people or maybe more, I don’t know. There’s drinking but everyone is 21 I’m pretty sure, because it’s, like, uh, illegal to not, uh, be. It’s just alcohol though so it’s cool. I mean I think one guy, like, um, brought weed but we were like “No way man, no pot.” So I think that guy left. Also some guy did cocaine but we probably kicked him out plus it wasn’t strong coke I think they said and only he did it and he’s gone. So, uh, like, it’s cool. We’re cool.
Cop: Yeah, we’re coming inside.
Pledge: Hold on.
(Pledge slams door, turns around to the party)
Pledge: WHO HERE IS PRE-LAW???
God I hate pledges.
The Fifth Year Senior
If the Fifth Year Senior is raging at the fraternity house on any night, let alone a night crazy enough to warrant the police showing up, he is probably one of if not the most shitfaced person there. That alone pretty much disqualifies him. The Fifth Year Senior gives zero fucks, and that includes with the police. He knows he won’t be getting in any trouble, he’s over 21 and doesn’t live in the house. What this means, among other things, is that there will be absolutely no filter on anything he says to the cops. Also, the Fifth Year Senior has been around for awhile, these cops might actually know him, and probably not in a good way. This guy has been racking up MIP’s and the like for half a decade. It’s not completely unreasonable to hear the Fifth Year Senior say something along the lines of:
“Oh hey I know you! You gave me my DWI! Whew, man, that was EXPENSIVE. Amiright! I swear I wasn’t that drunk though. I was only swerving because I was trying to pee in my spitter.”
At this point in his college career the Fifth Year Senior isn’t asked to represent the house too often, and that should be no different when it comes to police. I won’t discount all Fifth Year Seniors, some could easily fall into that “Intelligent and Over 21” category. Either way, no point in chancing it.