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Why All Women Love Republicans

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Fact: Republicans are constantly labeled the jerks of the two-party system.

Fact: Girls love jerks.

That, in a nutshell, explains the role of politics in a person’s sexual attraction. How someone leans politically is a factor that transcends the ability to make someone laugh or a nice hairline. Fortunately for the select few, when it comes to which political party comes out on top romantically, the answer is obvious.

We are the 1%. We make the American Dream possible. We are Republicans, and women can’t help but love us.

Republicans Ensure Missions Accomplished


Sure, we occasionally enter unchartered territories under false pretenses and promises. And even the biggest Rush Limbaugh disciple wouldn’t deny that we’re often only worried about satisfying our own needs without caring for anyone else’s. But dammit, you can bet your bottom 99%’s dollar that once Republicans take the invasive plunge, the feeling of Shock ‘N Awe is guaranteed.

Surprise! Feminists Don’t Know Jackshit

Radical feminists like to propagate the myth that woman-hating is the central platform of the Republican Party. I’ll bite, but only after asking for your consent in writing first, of course.

Let’s assume that the GOP indeed hates women, and that Texas Governor Rick Perry really does spend his evenings fantasizing about coldcocking Hilary Clinton right out of her pantsuit. It’s no secret that all women hate other women as well. Deny it all you want, but trashy reality television has no reason to lie to me. Furthermore, we know that the enemy of my enemy is my friend. What have we learned? The enemy of women is other women. The enemy of Republicans is women. Therefore, the friend of women…is Republicans. Transitive property.


Liberals Are Whiny Beta Males

Between “Change,” “Co-Exist,” and all the other mumbo jumbo that liberals stamp onto bumper stickers and throw onto the back of their hybrids, it has become obvious that left wingers clearly have a confidence problem.

Ask any lady, and she’ll tell you the sexiest attribute a man can possess is confident God-complex. And sorry, filthy hippie freaks, but if you don’t even have the balls to obsessively and manically drone on, even when no one is arguing otherwise, about how America is the greatest country on Earth, then you’re a goddamn coward.

GOP Knows How To Treat A Lady

You’ll never find a damn Democrat standing outside the fairer sex’s window at 3AM in pouring rain, drunk off bourbon and serenading her with, “We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the American Way!” Some guys just don’t get romance.


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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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