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Why “American Pie” Is Still An American Treasure

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Last week, American Pie turned 17 years old. To some, American Pie may seem like a trivial little dot in the pop culture zeitgeist, a small and messy blot that’s been partially forgotten after being overshadowed by superior rip-offs, but I beg to differ. American Pie is a cornerstone in the history of our great nation. A beautiful moment of patriotic greatness that still shines bright through in the halls of modern culture to this very day.

First off, to talk about American Pie, we need to talk about its roots first. I am of course referring to the Teen Sex Comedy (I’m capitalizing that on purpose to emphasize its sociological significance). The Teen Sex Comedy is a classic American pastime. It’s a wonderful tradition as American as baseball or apple pies that you stick your dick in.

Before American Pie, the Teen Sex Comedy was deathly ill. Ever since the classic double-punch of Porky’s (released in 1981) and the even better Fast Times at Ridgemont High (released in 1982), the genre became stagnant for almost 2 decades.

And during this very dark period, our country was crumbling at the core. Because, scientifically speaking, the people in our nation require 4 essential things to survive: food, water, shelter and Teen Sex Comedies.

Then along came good ol’ American Pie to save the day. Millions of Americans rejoiced as our thirst was quenched and we were finally provided with a good Teen Sex Comedy.

The film had every important ingredient that every Teen Sex Comedy needs.

Excessive nudity? Check.
Actors that look WAY too old to play high schoolers? Check.
A bunch of irresponsible and perverted behavior? Check.
Excessive nudity? Check.
Dumb dick jokes? You know it.

In retrospect, it actually is easy for us to write off American Pie as a dumb comedy (and don’t get me wrong, it DEFINITELY is), but damn, I gotta admit — it’s still funny as hell. Yes, there are plenty of unrealistic situations and decisions and it’s occasionally super corny, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t still make me laugh my dick off.

It’s filled with classic moments. Jason Biggs prematurely ejaculating on webcam while the whole school watches. Jasons Biggs fucking a pie. Eugene Levy badgering his son with forced “birds and bees” conversations. And, arguably most importantly, the film provided us with the term MILF, an often-used word that’s still used daily in drunken conversations and late-night lonely Google searches.

Jason Biggs’ neurotic persona was like a 21st century Woody Allen-type, but a teenaged, less stereotypically Jewish version. It connected with a generation and launched his career. It also gave us Naomi, who birthed the new teen movie trope of the hot exchange student that wants to fuck a nerdy guy.

But, on a deeper level, I think we love Teen Sex Comedies because they remind of us our youth, and American Pie is a perfect example. The plot is beautifully simple: a few nerdy friends make a pact to lose their virginity before they graduate. There’s something warm about being reminded of dumb high school shenanigans. What guy doesn’t remember spending all his teenage years chasing tail? Your 4 years in high school were a non-stop quest for girls, girls and more girls. You’re a hormonal teenaged boy who needs to touch a tit before you explode. It was annoying at the time, but in hindsight, it’s a warm, nostalgic feeling to look back on those days. American Pie puts those good ol’ days on your TV screen, so you can sit back and revisit those years while having a good laugh.

The movie spawned 3 great sequels, and a bunch of fucking terrible straight-to-DVD spinoffs that belong in a landfill. But it also singlehandedly revived the Teen Sex Comedy genre for the 21st century. Thanks to American Pie, we got Superbad, which is like a superior American Pie. We also got Not Another Teen Movie (partially a spoof of American Pie), The Girl Next Door, Easy A, Fired Up, Accepted, Neighbors, Van Wilder, Miss March, Project X and a bunch of others.

So happy birthday, American Pie, and thank you for your service to this country.

Image via YouTube

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Wally Bryton

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