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Why Cock Blocking Is A Myth

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Ok, before we begin, let me just say this. I have a CRAZY theory. It’s reeeeally insane and confusing, but just bare with me for a moment. Here’s what it is:

Maybe. Not definitely, just maybe. MAYBE… not every single woman on Earth wants to fuck you. Crazy idea, right?! Hey, maybe I’m wrong, though. But my hypothesis goes a little further, in that I don’t think cock blocking exists.

I think that if you’re hitting on a girl, and her friends keep on interrupting and “cock blocking” you, it means that the girl isn’t interested in you, and her friends are trying to help her make you go away.

Let’s break it down. So let’s say you’re at a loud, crowded, and fun place. You’re at a bar/club/party/Illuminati meeting/satanic ritual, and you meet a REALLY hot girl. Her face is a 10, she has long blonde hair, her teeth are whiter than your dad’s taste in music, her tits are ginormous, and her ass is bigger than Donald Trump’s ego.

You walk up to her and start giving her the game. You’re trying to charm her back to your house so you two can play hide the snake in your bedroom with all your Scarface posters staring back at you. But as you’re trying to powerfully seduce her with your manly strength and flawless smooth charisma, her friends keep on jumping in and ruining all that sensual momentum you’re building. HOW DARE THEY? Can’t these numbskulled bitches see that you’re trying to penetrate their best friend’s glove compartment with your 3-inch pork sword? These clueless hoes need to flee the scene so you can continue charming this chick’s jeans off. These obnoxious cock blocking monsters are being so rude! RIGHT?!

Wrong. As I said earlier, they’re not evil serpents sent from hell to you keep from busting a nut, they’re just helping their friend. Allow me to explain.

In your drunk, delusional, and arrogantly cocky cranium, you think this girl is DYING to fuck your brains out. Why wouldn’t she? You hit the gym today so you look extra Hulk-ish, plus you’re wearing your really small, really tight collared shirt to show off the muscles! On top of that, you got your backwards hat on so you look like a baller 2002 Eminem-type, AND you took the time and effort to put on deodorant this morning! You’re a badass truck of masculine awesomeness speeding 500 mph right into this lucky girl’s snatch! But nope, you’re wrong, Chaz. This girl is not interested.

While this girl is listening to your shitty pickup lines, lame attempts at humble-bragging and forced Anchorman quotes, she’s rolling her eyes to the back of her skull and counting down the milliseconds ‘til you either walk away from her or die suddenly of alcohol poisoning. She’s bored and pissed off, and she’d rather go to a Soulja Boy concert held in the bathroom of a dirty Waffle House in Alabama than have mediocre, drunken sex with your silly lookin’ ass.

Her friends can sense this. Females travel in packs and they have a pack mentality. When girls go out, they’re like Navy Seals on a mission. They are sticking to the script, and no one gets left behind. If one of the females finds a guy that she wants to jump into the sack with, the rest of the team will let it happen. But if she’s being forced to have a conversation with some awkward creep (i.e., you) and she’s not interested, the squad jumps in to rescue her. Women are good friends to each other, and have a supernatural talent for picking up on vibes.

So their sister senses are tingling, and they can tell that you are pestering their friend. They can tell by their friend’s body language that she doesn’t wanna hook up with you, so they’re coming over to shovel you out of their yard. So don’t get angry at them, get angry at yourself for being so lame and unfuckable and for forgetting to brush your teeth again.

I can’t wait for all your angry comments. I got my popcorn ready.

“Fuck you, Wally, I bet you NEVER get laid!!!”
“Kill yourself, you’re fucking pathetic!”
“You’re the worst writer in TFM history! I have no self-awareness, I’m gonna go jerk off while looking in the mirror.”

This concludes my presentation on all my scientific research. Thank you for attending my TED Talk.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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