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Why Dudes Hate Handjibbers

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guy hj

To all the women out there, this article has important sex tips to help with your relationship.

Ladies, here’s how to give your boyfriend a handjob.

Step 1: Don’t.

The end.

For years, I hated handjobs. Thought they were the worst. That they’re the only jobs that Trump shouldn’t bring back. But recently, I dated a girl who was amazing at dishing out old fashioneds. They were unbelievable; paradigm shiftingly good. She was like the Muhammad Ali of handjobs. Literally; she was so good at them that the leader of The Nation Of Islam gave her a new name. Her birth name was Cassandra Clay.

There are a few reasons why a lot of guys don’t admire handys. One of the main reasons is that handjobs are typically the first step in your sexual experiences as a man. When you’re younger, handjobs are the greatest thing since sliced bread. In ninth grade, your girlfriend gives you your first HJ and it’s the best thing to ever happen to you. Someone other than you just touched your member?! It’s a new frontier and it’s euphoric, like doing heroin at Disney World. But then, life continues progressing. You get your first BJ and then lose your virginity. After that, handjobs lose their novelty; they lose what once made them great. HJs become an old friend who used to seem awesome, but now he’s just obnoxious. You’d rather hang out with your new friends.

Another reason why guys hate handjobs is pretty simple, and actually pretty hacky and cliché to even mention (but I’ve always been a hack writer, and I don’t plan on stopping now or anytime soon): it’s because guys can do it themselves. And on top of that, dudes can do it better. They’ve been practicing damn near every day since they hit puberty.

Even a good handjob is basically like if I was playing 2-on-2 basketball and Michael Jordan was on my team. We win 21-0, with him scoring all but one of the baskets. I’d be like, “Yo, that was awesome, right?!” and he’d be like, “Eh, I really didn’t need you for that.” Basically when it comes to whacking me off, my hand is Michael Jordan and every girl’s hand is Scottie Pippen. You could get the job done if it came down to it, but we all know who the real champ is.

But the last and arguably most essential reason why most men aren’t handy fans is because they hurt. As in they’re physically painful. Every handjob is a Saw trap, and it’s not the girls fault. They don’t have a dick, so they don’t know what hurts and what doesn’t hurt. That’s why they’ll yank on your pecker like they’re trying to pull a weed out of the ground.

Then, one day, I had an epiphany that hit me like a bag of bricks. While getting an especially painful HJ, I thought, “Why is she doing it so fast? It’s almost like she just wants to get this over with as quickly as possible. Wait…”

Yup, that had to be it. Which I can empathize with. It’s been 2 hours (#stamina); her wrist is probably killing her.

Basically, any guy who sits through a handjob is a war veteran and any girl who is nice enough to give one is a hero. We all deserve respect and sympathy for what handjobs have put us through.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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