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Why Girls Flash Boobs For Beads

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Today is Fat Tuesday. Depending on what part of the country you live in, you’re either ushering in Lent by stuffing your face with kielbasa and pierogis (happy Paczki Day to my fellow dupa-jaszes) or, more likely, you’re trying to get your Cajun-covered hands on as many cheap, plastic beads as possible. That’s right. It’s Mardi Gras.

I’m not sure how we, as a society, got to the point where Mardi Gras became an accepted practice. Here are my theories.

1. There is a real knowledge gap between the genders when it comes to the fundamental principles of supply and demand.

2. Mardi Gras sees record-high temps.

3. The Emperor really does have new clothes.

4. There is an impending plastic shortage, and the fairer sex is hoarding it all in order to take the world’s economy hostage.

5. Casual Friday has gotten really casual.

6. Fearing New Orleans will flood again, women believe enough beads can also serve as rafts.

7. Jewelry’s jewelry.

8. Bling bling.

9. We’ve all entered into an alternate universe where iPhone cameras don’t exist.

10. Girls couldn’t get Saints tickets first.

11. Plastic beads have become the new family heirloom to pass down to kids.

12. Everyone just really misses Christmas lights.

13. You can get anyone to do anything just with the hashtag #FOMO.

14. As strong, smart, perfectly able-minded women living in the 21st century, women have just as much of a right as men to have lighthearted fun sexually, and without being shamed.

25. Because ERMERGERD FREE BEADS, of course.


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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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