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Why Guys Don’t Commit

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We live in very weird sexual times. I can go on my phone right now and physically throw a face left or right based on whether that face makes my penis smile or frown. My penis is like some sort of snobby French prince that’s brought an unlimited amount of suitors as he flails his wrist to one side or the other to show how he feels. If one of those flails to the right agrees with my penis, then we talk and we can meet up and we can get a little drunk and we can get naked together. Not even ten hours before, I was sitting at home eating peanut butter from the jar with one hand and swiping with another and now I’m naked with someone who has a mother and a father. It’s crazy.

The real question inevitably becomes, “What next?” Do I stay in this Groundhog Day of swiping and naked and licking a random girl’s butt? Or do I progress? Do I take this thing to the next level? This is the problem a lot of people are having. Mainly women. What makes a guy commit to licking one butt? How do I get a guy to tap out of the rat race that is the “hookup culture” and enter into some sort of agreement under which they will only see one another naked? It’s kind of a problem of progression. We move closer to equality every day which, sadly for some, includes the equality of honesty. Men are more honestly than ever saying, “I’m here just to fuck.” And girls are rolling their eyes while saying, “Sure,” and then wonder why they’re not coming to Thanksgiving ten months later. I guess he wasn’t lying.

This is often called “friends with benefits,” which is a hilarious phrase. I love any phrase that can be said in public but it’s actually something that should never be publicly said. It’s acceptable and comfortable to refer to a fling as “friends with benefits” when you’re really just saying, “A girl I’m having sex with until I find a better girl.” Isn’t that what this whole thing is? We have human needs. We live longer than our great grandpappy did. And we got all this flavored whiskey girls don’t seem to mind drinking. So why wouldn’t we dip our toes into all the different waters? Why would a guy ever stop looking? Well, loneliness. That moment he texts all his friends to go out and half of them have girlfriend obligations and the single ones aren’t going out. So he goes to a bar by himself. Stares at a girl and her friends. Looks very creepy as he gets drunker and the stares get longer. Gets told by the bartender, “That’s enough man. Here’s a water.” Then staggers home to his best friend pizza. So, ya. A guy will give in.

But in a more honest 2016, it won’t be because you asked him to give in. It won’t come from the comfort of an explanation a lot of women seem to want. This is why women love The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. A guy or girl meets someone in a wild circumstance. They get to know each other during extreme dates with adventurous itineraries. Then they spend the rest of the season talking about how they feel towards one another and why they’re so good together and their feelings about their feelings. Then it ends in an engagement. There’s a lot of people out there operating in the dating world that believe this is how it all happens. Not once on The Bachelor do you ever see them joking around or sprinting to the bathroom because they drank milk and it gives them the shits. No real moments of boring that get you to know the other person. Maybe those conversations and poops happen, but they’re never on the show. It’s just a constant back and forth about how well they work together and why they work together so well. It’s as if they’re looking down and doing play by play on themselves, and that’s the least sexy conversation.

So why won’t he commit? Is it his phone? Is it Tinder? Why won’t that girl ever come hang out? Is she a bitch? Probably not. She’s probably looking for better. She’s probably sick of half promises and your attitude. The friends with benefits cycle of texting, hooking up, and disappearing is like having a job, telling the boss you’re seeing a doctor, and going on an interview for a better job. You only complete the circle with a random hand waving emoji when he or she got turned down and they’re coming back to their job that’s fine… for now. Maybe you should be a better office to work at. Maybe you should fire the guy who keeps seeing the doctor on company time. Maybe you should get a ping pong table and create fun stuff for your employees that involves some sort of out of the box plan like licking a butt. That usually doesn’t come up on a first interview.

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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