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Why Guys Find Girls More Attractive If They Give Them Attention

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I went to this new restaurant last week. One of those places where you order at the counter, they give you a number, and you forget napkins when you pickup your food so you just use the receipt because you’re independent (single). While I was at the counter, the manager was taking orders and she was hot. She looked like a lab called “2016” created her. Dark eyeliner, olive skin, big butt, tiny waist, big boobs. She was a Kardashian without all that #BlackLivesMatter support to compete with in bed. As I was ordering, she was super engaged. Asking about what I usually liked to eat and if I had been to the restaurant before, and at one point she asked me my name and I asked hers and I was totally sold on the fact that she wanted to bang me right there on the counter. There was no question in my mind. Within a half a second, I went from “That chick is very hot” to “Ugh, she might be too obsessed with me to bang.” When I finished eating, I threw my garbage away and made a point to say goodbye since she’d probably ask for my number. When she didn’t, I decided I’d get her number the next time I went to the restaurant.

That’s a small glimpse into the male ego. A woman makes eye contact, exchanges pleasantries, and looks attractive and most guys think they’re “in.” When, if you think about it, what did she do? Her job. She serviced a customer, answered his questions, and made him feel accounted for as well as special. She made a new restaurant a memorable and pleasant eating experience. And instead of thinking “Good job,” I thought, “That’s a one-stall bathroom, I’ll have to be quick.” Looking on the other side of that, let’s say she did her job with no frills. She took my order while looking down at the computer screen, kept the conversation to “Yes” and “No,” and then answered with “Everything’s pretty good” when I asked if they use cream in the soup. I’d probably think that she was cold and bad at her job. But that’s not the case at all. One woman was great at her job and had a guy take that as a ticket to Bone-Aroo and the other was just fine and that made her an asshole.

This has to be a pain in the ass for women. I can’t imagine if every single nicety over the course of the day was taken as, fuck me. I’ve masturbated four times in one day (Texas Hat Trick), it would be hell. But honestly, so much time would be wasted. It’s like living a movie with a bad ending. “Oh you didn’t care about my cooking after all. You just wanted to have sex!” But understand how horrible this is for our side. Think of the time and effort that men are wasting. Minutes spent on “What should I say next?” When all that should really be said is, “Are you waiting in line?” Think of the friendzone. Currently, there are millions of guys out there thinking that fake laughing at a story that will in some way get them laid. When really all they’ve done is let a shitty story get told again and stopped themselves from pursuing a girl who would actually make them happy. If we had to shove something up our ass to stop our egos, it would be as big a burden as a period.

I’m not expecting any girl to feel bad for this affliction. Please don’t hold a vigil for the millions of men bragging about the girl who keeps sending them cat pictures over Snapchat who probably has no interest. I don’t see a #YesAllPenis thing happening anytime soon. Every guy will fall flat onto his face because of his ego and it will be just as funny as when he does it on a patch of ice. Maybe you won’t even see it. Maybe he’ll have a female friend talk to the same restaurant manager and have a similarly glowing experience and he’ll remember, “Oh ya, I’m a six.” But every guy will swallow hard at some point and we don’t need your tears.

Just don’t be surprised. Please, stop being surprised. There’s a guy out there that’s being really nice to you and it’s because you’re being nice to him. You’ve made it easy for him and he’s got it confused for lust. The guy who you talk to during class. The one that studies with you before the big tests. The one who snaps you back after every innocent cat. He’s going to approach you. He’s going to put himself out there and ask you for a totally different relationship than the one you currently have with him. I know you’ll be a little mad that he could be so dumb. That he could think so little of you as a person that the only reason you’d be nice is to get the mediocrity of his seven pumps. Just hold back that urge to be mad or shocked. Remember this is our disease. Please give us the same leeway we give you each month, when you break into tears because we forgot to get the napkins.

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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