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Why We Should All Be Psyched For Cold War II With The Ruskies

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I honestly thought Rocky Balboa quashed our beef with the Ruskies.

The scene was set in Moscow that night, after all. Ivan Drago and his steroid-ravaged body lay slain on the mat. A few “Rocky! Rocky!” chants could be heard from the formerly fiercely anti-American crowd. A newfound respect was displayed by the applauding Soviet Secretary General after witnessing two guys killin’ each other, but I guess that’s better than 20 million. The Italian Stallion, draped in the star-spangled shorts of his fallen best friend, had singlehandedly defeated the Communist Bloc. It. Was. Perfect.

Turns out, it was too perfect to be true. Reagan may have huffed and puffed and blown the Berlin Wall down, but apparently those damn Commies didn’t learn their lesson. Russia is back to its old tricks. Just goes to show all that “if I can change, and you can change, then everybody can change!” mumbo jumbo is too much a page out of the Obama playbook to actually work in the real world.

Not that the details behind the Russian invasion of its neighbor, other than the fantastic way it lends itself to thousands of people making the same terrible “Crimea River” pun, are of any significance. I’m so down for Cold War II. Giddy, even. Every morning, I pray for one thing, and one thing only: for Kate Upton to wave hello to me. When that fails, I settle for praying for all out fisticuffs with Russia. I want it so bad I can taste it. And it tastes like dead Commie.

Admit it: we’re all sick of the War on Terror. Guantanamo Bay doesn’t have squat on the Cuban Missile Crisis. At least when Vietnam went to hell under the Democrat Congress, Hollywood gave us “Apocalypse Now,” “Platoon,” and “Deer Hunter” to distract us from our empire’s demise. What have Afghanistan and Iraq given us: “Hurt Locker,” “United 93,” “Jarhead?” War on Terror flicks are just depressing. There wasn’t even any bloodshed in “Jarhead!” It’s an outrage. An entire generation has been robbed of movie directors at least being entertaining as they preach about how America is evil.

Just think what wonders Cold War II would do to the “James Bond” series. The collapse of the Soviet Bloc has been terrible for the Bond villain industry. It was so much easier when audiences could just sit back, listen for the Russian accent, and conclude, “that’s the bad guy.” I mean, Frenchmen who cry blood? Bolivian bureaucrats? Have no idea what I’m talking about? Of course you don’t, because no one has even bothered seeing a Bond movie in 20 years.

My “that’s the bad guy” test is really what me wanting a Cold War redux is all about. No more ridiculous exercises in semantics where America’s enemy is apparently anyone who uses a particular tactic. No gray areas. If we can somehow return to the days when American foreign policy can be reduced to the nice, simple phrase “RUSSIA EQUALS BAD,” at bare minimum, everyone’s headaches would disappear overnight. It’s just so much easier, you guys.

Life was simply more fun when the only thing preventing the planet from being blown to smithereens at a moment’s notice was ducking under a desk. The threat of nuclear annihilation really keeps you on your toes. What an amazing excuse to keep in your back pocket, too.

Jump onto the Cold War II bandwagon, you guys. Not only would it be an atomic blast, but it is what is best for America. We’re that team that comes out of the gate sluggish against weak opponents, but we always come to play in the championship.

Bring on those Ruskies.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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