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Lesson I recently learned: you write one column about how to take a dick pic, and every time it gets retweeted, your inbox gets flooded with pictures of penises. Fine, I can accept that – part of the job when you’re a girl and you write for a bunch of dudes, right? But once in a while, some guy (who I assume is like 16) asks me a question. And since I think it’s kind of sweet that someone actually wants my advice (unlike my friends who ask for it, but don’t take it), I answer… and share those answers with all of you.
Seeing this is about as close as sliding into your DM’s as I can get, I just wanted to say that I discovered your series of “how to’s” on TFM this afternoon and they’re fantastic. I hope to stumble across more of your work soon and that some dense guys continue to give you reason to be sassy while writing. I wish I could write that way without sounding like a prick.
One question, what is it about foreplay that you and every other girl ever seem to enjoy more than sex itself? I’m not complaining, but I just find it somewhat odd.
Sure, I could have skipped including that first paragraph, but it’s my column and I want some public glory, so suck it… although if you could do that yourself, you probably wouldn’t have time to be on the internet reading this. Plus, the only reason I am answering this ridiculous question is that he led with flattery, which is a good lesson in and of itself.
So instead of going with “If you want to get laid, you have to do foreplay and the ‘why’ doesn’t matter, you fucking moron,” I will actually put some thought into the response. In the simplest of terms, I think the answer to our dear reader’s question boils down to three things: science, emotions, and preferences.
Let’s start with the easy one here. Like in most things, girls aren’t as lucky as guys when it comes to the automatic preparation of the body for sex. Dudes can see a girl with a low cut shirt 30 yards away and all of a sudden, Lil (or not so lil, if you’re blessed) Dicky is ready for fun and games. But unfortunately for us ladies, even if our minds are ready to do the deed, it takes our nether regions a little bit longer to catch up, and foreplay is the main avenue to getting those two in sync. Think of it this way: you wouldn’t try and start your car with no oil in it, right? Not only would that totally fuck up your engine, but it wouldn’t be a very pleasant experience for the driver. So foreplay, for a guy, is sort of like getting an oil change for your car: it may be a wasted use of 30 minutes for you because you’re ready to drive, but the lube keeps your car running nicely. So it may not be that we necessarily enjoy foreplay more than sex, but that it’s essential for the journey ahead to Poundtown to be pleasurable for everyone.
Here is where it gets a bit sticky (metaphorically, and sometimes a bit realistically, if you’re doing it right). For the majority of girls – not all of them, but at least most of the ones I know – sex is an act that involves some emotion. And by emotion, I don’t mean that she needs to want to marry you and have your babies in order to want to bang you in the bar bathroom. But she does need to feel wanted, and, while you may think this is already demonstrated by your joystick rubbing against her through your pants, the typical girl needs a little bit more than that, and foreplay is the way to get it.
The very bottom line, even setting aside science and emotions, is that every girl has her own preferences. I myself am the rare unicorn of a girl that prefers oral (both giving and receiving) to the actual act of sex, and I’ve been known to get off from nipple play — yes, really — whereas I have friends that get nothing out of having their boobs touched and want to ride the bologna pony all night long. So the lesson here is simple: if you want to keep sleeping with the same girl, figure out what her preferences are and keep doing that, and she’ll probably keep coming back for more. If she’s a one-and-done… well, fuck foreplay and you just do you, buddy..
I’m still sorting through the plethora of dick pics in my inbox, so if you’ve got a question, hit me up at 2NOTBrokeGirls@gmail.com and give me a break from looking at penises. Please..