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Why You Should “Clean The Pipes” Before A Date

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In the classic Ben Stiller comedy There’s Something About Mary, there’s a now-famous scene where Stiller is about to go out on a date when his friend asks him if he “cleaned the pipes.” Stiller’s character is confused, and his friend explains why you should always jerk off before a date. It’s an idea that sounds bizarre at surface level, but actually makes a surprising amount of sense when you think about it for a minute.

For years I thought the “cleaning the pipes” concept was just a dumb joke. That is, until a friend of mine mentioned it when the movie was on TV. When that scene came on, he mentioned that he’s tried it a few times. He claimed it was very successful, and definitely gave it a good Yelp review.

I was baffled. Really? This guy took dating advice from a Ben Stiller movie? I love Stiller, but I’m not gonna let the guy dictate my mediocre love life. He mentioned that he didn’t hear about it through the movie and it’s just advice he got once, I assume from a creepy friend that doesn’t leave the house much. But the idea fascinated me, so I googled it and it turns out it’s an odd little rare trick that’s been around for years, and some dudes swear by it.

So I pondered it more. It’s an interesting idea. It’s something I thought about, and then decided to test out. I was gonna go out with a girl I kinda liked, we were gonna get a bite to eat and grab some drinks. I thought “fuck it, let’s see if this works.”

I took my laptop, looked for content to which I could whack the weasel (lesbian porn, a Nicki Minaj video, audio of Morgan Freeman’s voice, etc.), and finally landed on something that worked for me (a video of Justin Bieber getting beat up, actually). Once I finished, it was just about time to head out and meet this girl.

So, during this night of important scientific research, I took some mental notes about the pros of flying solo before a date. Here they are.

You’re relaxed

After you spill your yogurt, whether it be into a crusty sock, on a one night stand’s tits, or on an androgynous hookers Adam’s apple, you feel calm. It’s a scientific fact that your brain releases chemicals that relax you whenever you pour muscle milk. This is an obvious plus. It got me thinking that dudes should make sure they murder some of their swimmers any time they’re anxious. Performers should jerk it before getting on stage. Presidential candidates should jerk it before speeches and debates (I’m almost positive Donald Trump already does it, while staring at pictures of himself.)

You’re not distracted

Part of this aspect depends on your mission for the night. If you’re just trying to get laid, maybe you wanna save that gravy and let the testosterone motivate your male instincts. But if you’re just looking to actually build a real relationship, meaning you’re not trying to pound some pussy immediately (I know, super “gay,” right?!), then it’s a decent game plan. After you drop loads, you’re less horny, obviously. So if you cum before a date, you’re not staring at her tits and fantasizing about her slobbing on your knob all night. You’re actually paying attention to the words coming out of her mouth and having what scientists refer to as a “real conversation.” Crazy, right?!

You won’t be a two-pump chump

Let’s say you play your cards right, and she actually lets you visit Vagtown, USA. If you haven’t dripped any dipping sauce that day, you may actually get too excited and shoot your wad too quick. The flare gun will go off immediately and you’ll sit there embarrassed while she’s lying there frustrated and even more dissatisfied than she expected. So do the knuckle shuffle on the piss pump before a date, and you can bone for hours. You can fuck during a Lord of the Rings marathon and not even feel a tingle until halfway through the third one.

So hey, it’s worth a try. I know it’s a polarizing idea, so I’m really psyched for your angry hate comments like “Wally, I bet you don’t ever get laid!” or “you can never get a date!”. Very creative stuff, you predictable dickheads. But try it out, see if it works for you. Next time you’re about to hang with a chick, beat your meat like Rocky Balboa.

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Wally Bryton

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