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Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Delta Upsilon

This is a recurring TFM series. Catch up with all installments of Why Your Fraternity Sucks by visiting the archive.

DU

Some people are brothers of Delta Upsilon. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Delta Upsilon. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Delta Upsilon

The non-secret fraternity. A supposed open book for the rest of the Greek world to read. Want to stop by for an initiation ceremony with the whole family, some Nestle Crunch bites, and a bucket of popcorn or dust off century old chapter minutes written in blood on sheepskin? DU will seemingly go out of their way to accommodate such ridiculous requests.

Anything you’d ever want to know about this fraternity is readily available at your finger tips thanks to the world wide web. Get all the information of a dues-paying, card-carrying member who blows thousands of dollars over his four year tenure in sapphire blue and old gold but at no cost to your wallet or dignity.

I’m not buying it, DU. I base this off pure speculation and absolutely no evidence whatsoever, but I’m convinced you’re concealing your true identity behind a fraudulent veil. You’re the murderer that seeks out and cooperates with police to clear your name solely to deflect the investigation towards another direction. If you were placed into a college orientation group, you’d be the weirdo that shares extremely personal anecdotes about your pet hamster “Twinkles” and how you got a tattoo to honor his memory as his death shaped you into the man you are today while the rest of the kids simply said their name and hometown. Not only do you make everyone else in the room uncomfortable with your forthright nature, but someone that unnecessarily transparent always has alternative motives and can’t be trusted.

You know who would create an entire elaborate backstory to show that they had nothing to hide? Sociopaths with something to hide. No one’s this honest.

Size: Anywhere between 76 and 95 active chapters

Did we find a chink in this facade armor? I can download the entire fraternity songbook to an iTunes playlist but I can’t get an easily available confirmed number of active chapters in the U.S. and Canada. What kind of game are you playing, DU? Also do you not have a handshake? That can’t be right. You definitely have a grip of some sort. Have to. Otherwise how do you greet one other? Can you just see the shame in another DU’s eyes and tell he’s a fellow duck? Can anyone just go to the DU house and say they’re a brother from another chapter without being tested or questioned? I refuse to believe it’s that easy.

Founded: In 1834

The lie they’ve been pushing for over 180 years is that the fraternity was founded in Massachusetts at Williams College where the alpha chapter actually dissolved itself rather than remain apart of this train wreck. Much of the early history was conveniently destroyed in a fire (thinking face emoji) but the organization originally labeled itself “anti-secret” as opposed to the “non-secret” brand they proudly wear today.

What’s the difference? Apparently these psychos actively “engaged in militant agitation” against the secretive fraternities on campus: Kappa Alpha and Sigma Phi. Um, what the fuck does “militant agitation” even mean? Were DUs just headhunting KAs and Sigma Phis for sport? I know this was pre-civil war society, but I think murder was still highly frowned upon. This sounds like the completely fabricated story of someone desperately trying to convince the masses how ride or die they were about being anti-secret. I mean, hopefully that’s the case. Otherwise these dudes were legitimate fraternity bashing terrorists using violence to spread their beliefs. I’m really not sure which scenario is better.

Famous DUs That Suck:

An overachieving communist that won two Noble Peace Prizes and probably gave the Soviet Union plenty of intel as a KGB spy and U.S. President James Garfield who made it all of 7 months before being forcefully removed from office. Jimmy is given way too much credit for being assassinated. The two bullets didn’t strike a single vital organ, and he died like a bitch 11 weeks later from poor medical treatment causing an infection.

Reasons You Might Not Suck:

They created Gatorade and housed Wayne Brady, Alan Thicke, and national treasure Lou Holtz during their collegiate years.

From The Horse’s Mouth:

Brother Mike

I remember we suckered these two guys into joining us because they thought we were an engineering frat. Jokes on them because our GPA is a collective 2.6.

Brother Stef

Nationals don’t even pronounce Upsilon correctly.

Brother Nick

When we try to rush guys, we play our predictable and usual “diversity” card and show how “full of justice and equality” we are by saying we are an open book. We’re supposed to be a fraternity, not a group of campus hippies singing kum ba yah.

Definitive Reason You Suck:

You put in way too much effort to cover up the fact that you’re actually the most secretive Greek organization in the world.

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Delta Sigma Phi

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer and Video Guy for Grandex Media. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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