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Some people are students at Penn State. But many, many more people are NOT students at Penn State. This TFM school overview is for those in the latter group.
Pennsylvania State University. I know where all your heads are at, and no, I’m not going there. That fruit is not only low hanging, it’s lying on the ground and stomped into the fucking dirt. THOSE jokes are less topical and humorous than Manti Te’o references for Notre Dame — which are some of the lamest, no effort, hack jabs a person can make. They’re about as entertaining as reading the Freeh Report. If that’s what you want out of this column, I suggest getting into a time machine, setting it to 2011, and going back to being a buffoon that thinks planking and saying the phrase “winning” after anything that ends remotely in your favor is funny. I don’t want you philistines to read this. You’re cheapening my brand, and I’m already a plastic bottle liquor.
Everyone else still reading? Alright. Let’s get into it.
Your undergraduate population:
46,000 on main campus and about a million others who go to satellite branches who probably talk up Happy Valley more than the kids actually living there, despite never once stepping foot on the “sacred ground.” Yes, welcome to the church of Penn State, where students have been indoctrinated to have an Ivy School mentality despite going to a public state school since 1855.
Yes, I know you’re “state-related” and technically not a “state school.” Whatever. Semantics. It’s just your backwards justification for charging in-state students out the ass to attend your fine institution — university gym and rec center memberships sold separately.
Side note: If you’ve ever uttered the words “If God wasn’t a Penn State fan, why is the sky blue and white?” you should be euthanized on the spot. No questions asked.
Is about to become extinct if it isn’t already. Over-under on the amount of mountain lions in central Pennsylvania. 1.5? There have been more Bigfoot sightings in the area over the last century, and it’s not even close. You’re more likely to get gored by a unicorn than mauled by a mountain lion in PA. I guess “the fiercest beast of them all” was a Creationist and didn’t take kindly to the works of Charles Darwin. Stupid, non-evolving mountain lions.
The actual mascot costume is a bigger joke than the Stanford Tree. At least the Stanford Tree is self aware at how ridiculous it is. That is not a lion. That’s a failed band member for the Bloodhound Gang. The teddy bear version of Ralphie’s bunny suit from “A Christmas Story.” This shit might be good enough to fly for an elementary school pep rally, but it’s an embarrassment as the all-time mascot for a Big 10 university. Be more of a tryhard with those one-handed pushups, too, Nittany Lion. You can’t.
Your spirit campaign:
“Penn State Lives Here.” You’re not wrong, but that’s certainly setting the bar low. Some schools have the mantra of “Champions Live Here” but you guys are as straightforward as it gets. “We Live Here.” No more, no less. Just stating facts.
Penn State has a bit of a reputation as one of the top party schools in the country, but if you’ve ever spent an hour in State College you’re looking for anything to numb the pain of being stuck in the middle of such a ho-hum, monotonous existence.
“But Dan, the scenic landscape of Happy Valley is breathtaking.”
Really? Have you been outside of the state of Pennsylvania? Also, a view entertains you for, what, five minutes tops? Look it’s Mount Nittany. What an awe-inspiring sight. Oh yeah, I live in complete reclusiveness all in the name of going to a top 30 business school and watching sub-par football. Let’s drink and sniff gasoline to forget that if we were wiped off the face of the earth, no one would blink an eye about it.
Also, I’m going to wait in a line that wraps around the entire Berkey Creamery and you’re going to tell me I can’t get two different scoops on one cone? That’s straight up multi-flavor discrimination. A narrow-mindedness that has no place in the year 2015.
THON. Is raising hundreds of millions of dollars for children with cancer and their families an amazing cause? No doubt. But the lengths at which any Penn Stater will take to consistently remind everyone that they’re doing such a awesome thing is nauseating. Penn State is the friend you let pay the tab at the end of the night and talks about it incessantly and holds it over your head months later. It’s as if no one else in the world has ever done a charitable action in their entire life.
The guys who are making your girlfriend fat with Boom Chocolatta, the guy who created the pill that is making her insane but not pregnant, and the political guy who wants to take away your porno for when she’s not in the mood.
The forgotten middle child of the Big 10. Name your biggest rival, guys. Michigan? Ohio State? Michigan State? Yeah, you’re not theirs. The football team is destined to remain in a perpetual state of mediocrity so long as Urban Meyer, Jim Harbaugh, and Mark Dantonio are in the East Division. Enjoy the eight-win seasons and annual trip to Tampa for the Outback Bowl.
The sports you’re actually good at no one pays a second of attention to. Instead of going to see a basketball team that has the ceiling of making the CBI, maybe support championship caliber teams like women’s volleyball, gymnastics, fencing, wrestling, and women’s soccer. Just go all in and be the school that embraces obscure college athletics.
Why you might not suck:
Actual THON, Arts Fest, and State Patty’s Day — although, it has seemingly been hijacked by the university and turned into a more community-wide festival called THAW. Weak.
From the horse’s mouth:
Our university president tucked his tail between his legs and fled Florida State amid the Jameis Winston allegations.
There are still Paterno “truthers” who want his 409 wins back like it makes a difference. Most of these people couldn’t even get into Penn State, but they live in the Pennsyltucky no-mans-land in a 100 mile radius surrounding the campus.
We get the kids from New Jersey who aren’t smart enough for Princeton but think they’re too good for Rutgers.
Want to be part of the next school review? Just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and give me ample evidence of why your school sucks: personal anecdotes, tribulations with the administration, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: University of Texas