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How To Win St. Patrick’s Day

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st. patrick's day

There are a few days every year that college students make a point to mark on their calendars. These dates can vary from person to person, but there is one day that we all can agree on as a drunken lock: March 17, the day we celebrate the Patron Saint of Ireland.

St. Paddy’s Day is the G.H.O.A.T. (Greatest Holiday Of All Time), and here are some professional tips to make sure you don’t screw it up.

Get Off A Tight Fit

Wardrobe is everything. I recommend witty T-shirts containing slogans like “I Rish I Was Drinking A Guinness” and “69% Irish;” probably the quickest path to finding your way underneath a lassie’s kilt, if we’re being real.

On the topic of kilts, try one of those out for size. Tell me you’re not going to get any play wearing something that proactive. You really want to impress? Hike that boy up a few inches and show off how those squats in the gym are working for ya. Females will just be begging to let you see their pot of gold.

If those options are too ambitious, a simple basketball jersey will suffice. A solid jersey game is always a safe play in any binge drinking situation. Don’t worry about originality; no chance somebody else will also be wearing a Larry Bird Celtics joint. But if keeping it original is a must, here’s a pro tip: cop yourself an OG Mighty Ducks jersey. Charlie Conway for the win.

Skip The Beer

Green beer is for suckers. You’re trying to make a splash, my dude. Let those other chumps tap the keg at 8:00 a.m. Instead, you march your ass right on down to the nearest liquor store and pick out some of the most potent liquor you can find. Are you trying to get beer drunk or drunk drunk? There’s a huge difference.

Prove to everyone else that you can hang with the best of them. Won’t it be impressive when you’re able to hold all of that liquor inside for the duration of the day while your beer sipping friends drop like a bunch of beta flies? They’ll be puking their little green guts out while you stand over them taunting, “Taste the rainbow, bitches!”

House some Jameson and see where the night takes you. Chances are luck will be on your side.

Perfect Your Irish Jig

No matter where you end up spending the occasion — bar/festival/overflowing block party — there is undoubtedly going to be music. Any other day of the year a fresh Nae Nae or hitting of the Kwon might suffice, but it’s St. Paddy’s, baby. Time to kick it up a notch.

Might I suggest learning a little jig? Personally, I suggest looking up “Michael Flatley, Lord Of The Dance” if you’re really trying to impress. Pull off a six minute traditional dance and you might just flood the venue. You know what they say about guys with quick feet? Quick thrusts.

Follow the above instructions and you might just have yourself the best St. Patrick’s Day ever. Happy drinking, lads.

Disclaimer: Writer not liable for the ineffectiveness of any of the above actions.

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Dent

Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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