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Would You Cut Off A Pinky, Get An STD, Or Take A Hook From Tyson To Pay Off Student Loans?

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Most of you are probably thinking, “Student loans? My last name isn’t on the school of business because I’m a poor.” But if that’s the case, I take it you probably get off at the misfortune, pain, and suffering of others you deem inferior beings? You do? Of course you do, you hedge fund inheriting son of a gun. Glad we’re on the same page.

Now, for peasants like myself that come from an upper-middle class family who rent timeshares rather than own a vacation home (way to aim high, Mom and Dad) and decide to go out of state for school, we get forced into a relationship with a cold-hearted bitch named Sallie Mae — and she’s all about pegging that ass.

I don’t even mind paying off the stupid amount of money I borrowed for a film degree, either. It’s the constant harassment by this demon slut. That hoe is downright relentless. Have a payment due anytime within the next twenty years? She’ll drive you to the brink of insanity blowing up your phone with reminders. Apparently you can’t just file a restraining order. Trust me, I tried.

“Yeah, I know it’s due in a month. That’s when I plan to pay. In a month. But thanks for the 45 calls today.”

I think I’d do virtually anything to make it stop, and according to a new poll by Lendedu, so would a significant amount of other debt-ridden students. Let’s see how I stack up with everyone else surveyed.

— 57.89 percent would give up social media for life

Well that would leave me a jobless bum. There are too many things with my name plastered all over the internet that would be problematic in me getting a real occupation again.

— 57.11 percent would give up coffee for life

I’m too far down the coffee rabbit hole to turn back now, too. The withdraws would actually kill me.

— 56.73 percent would take a punch from boxer Mike Tyson

I once had a skateboard broken over my blockhead during a fight. Modern day Tyson couldn’t be much worse, right? I’m in, Mike.

— 56.14 percent would abstain from alcohol and drugs for life

Why even live life at all? 56.14 percent?!

— 40.35 percent would take one year off life expectancy

Without question. Can I start selling off years of my life and start making profit?

— 35.67 percent would give up texting for life

This would actually make my dating life 1,000 percent easier.

— 28.07 percent would name first-born daughter Sallie Mae

Sure. Then I’d raise her to be a complete piece of shit who ends up being a Tuesday night D-league crackhead dancer at some back alley strip club.

— 20.47 percent would wear same outfit everyday for life

Boosh already does this. Seems practical.

— 6.47 percent would cut off pinky finger

I don’t interlock with my golf swing anyway. Chop that sucker off.

— 4.68 percent would move to Syria for life

Still better than giving up alcohol and drugs.

— 4.09 percent would contract a random sexually transmitted disease for life

We talking herpes or AIDS? Because one is just some slight discomfort every now and again and the other is fucking herpes.

[via UPI]

Image via Youtube

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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