There is nothing, and I repeat, nothing more dangerous to have around when drinking than a breathalyzer. There’s just something about the challenge of getting the high score on that little bastard device that leads to more stupid decisions than a box full of illegal Mexican fireworks and a pound of cocaine.
Yahoo recently published a breakdown of what an average 180-200 lb. man can expect to experience BAC-wise based on how many drinks he pounds back in an hour.
2 drinks – 0.02%. This is where Yahoo suggests we stop. Seriously. At .02%. While this may be enough for a high school student to have a good time with, I’m gonna need more than two drinks to get me going. Next.
3 drinks – 0.05%. Apparently, at three drinks in the right inferior frontal cortex slows down and lets the inhibitions fade away. Alright, removal of inhibitions is a good start, but I’ve gotten drunker than that on a Tuesday afternoon before meeting with my advisor. What’s next?
4 drinks – 0.07%. Here’s where it starts getting good. The brain begins to ignore negative feedback and sense of risk goes out the window, but this is assuming that I listen to negative feedback anyway, or that there’s anything that can’t be fixed by connections and health insurance. Keep going.
5 drinks – 0.08%. Memory gets fuzzy and the mind’s ability to warn you of danger slows. But 0.08 is the legal limit for driving drunk. Clearly I’m not drinking with intent to drive myself anywhere. I’m keeping it going.
6 drinks – 0.11%. Now we can’t drive anywhere. Also, according to Yahoo, this is when you start swaying side-to-side like an asshole and become even more likely to punch a hole in a wall because of “fucking bullshit calls, man.” We can do better, though.
7 drinks – 0.15%. This is the point where a lesser drinking man’s body begins to outright reject the delicious poison that is alcohol and the puking begins. Of course, as men with seasoned livers, we’ve still got a few more in us.
10 drinks – 0.20%. Blackout. Or brownout. Either way, you’re probably not going to remember what happens tonight. Also, you’ll probably puke. But you won’t remember it, so there’s that. Fuck it, I’m not done yet.
12 drinks – 0.25%. Now, in addition to the likelihood of puking and forgetting the night, reflexes are impaired and uncontrolled urination is likely. Alright, so pissing yourself is never fun, but we make sure to blur the faces on Fail Friday so no one will ever know it was you.
16 drinks – 0.30%. You have no idea where the fuck you are. Getting lost and passing out is a very real possibility, making you that asshole who everyone has to look for all night. Fun up until that point though.
18 drinks – 0.35%. You’re basically under surgical anesthesia. If you’ve made it this far, you’ll probably end up in a hospital anyway. But know this, you took “power hour” to a whole new level. You’ll probably never want to drink again, though.
Now, granted, I have no idea how beer bongs, shotguns, and straight up bottle pulls translate into the math on this list, but it seems pretty sound. Maybe add another beer or two to each of the rankings and it’ll be fitting for fraternity men.