Y’all gotta stop wearing bow ties.
You just have to stop. You look stupid. We’re all thinking it, and we all hate you. One hundred percent of everyone out here in society who is not wearing a bow tie thinks you shouldn’t be wearing a bow tie. The only people who think you look cool are your enabling friends who also wear them, which is why when you see one guy wearing a bow tie, his flock of bow tie wearing pseudo-yuppies is nearby. And when you morons get together, the ridiculousness grows exponentially.
Are you trying to attract a young, white girl in a Lilly Pulitzer sundress and stupid, wide-brimmed hat who has a debilitating alcohol problem? Because this is the sole demographic who will potentially be attracted to you in a bow tie.
You don’t look cool or fashion forward. You look like a moron. You aren’t stylish and you don’t look affluent. You look like a jackass. You don’t look high society. You look like new money trash without the money.
Unless one of these five circumstances applies to you, do not wear a bow tie.
1. You are under the age of 10.
2. You are attending a black tie affair.
3. You are attending the Kentucky Derby. Note: This only applies if you are attending the actual Kentucky Derby. Kentucky Derby themed parties or watch parties held during the Kentucky Derby do not grant you the civil right to wear a bow tie.
4. You are a groomsman and the groom has chosen a bow tie to go with your tux or suit.
5. Your name is Bruce Bowen.
^Bolen wedding. Usher. I wore the hell out of that bow tie. Acceptable. Don’t @ me.
The next time you throw on a button down shirt and ponder ways to accessorize it, you probably shouldn’t. But if you insist, do not choose to wear a bow tie, because you will look like an idiot and everyone will hate you.
Hey how about the guy who lets everyone know that he can tie a bow tie without using the assistance of a YouTube instructional video? What an asshole, right? Oh cool, man, you spent hours of your life learning a skill that is A) rarely useful, and B) makes you look like a complete twat. We’re all so impressed.
I am proudly unable to tie a bow tie without using YouTube, just as I am unable to style a fuckboy haircut or fashionably pair loafers with highwater pants.
Stop wearing bow ties..
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