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I’ll start by apologizing for being a little late on this “story.” Fall 2009 took a little trip to Preston’s lodge in Aspen that resulted in an unscheduled 3 day coma. Turns out Percocet and snowmobiles don’t mix. When I finally came to, this Josh Hamilton thing was blowing the fuck up. My boy J-Ham is throwing an impromptu presser while rocking the backward Evoshield hat. So I’m watching him freestyle this thing, completely off the fucking dome, but I can’t figure out why he’s doing this. All I learned was that Josh went out to a bar by himself (borderline sketch move), had a few drinks, and called his PB to meet him up there. I know what you’re thinking: who the fuck cares? Exactly. From that point all I gathered was that Josh is boozed, Kins drives him home, and Josh takes a page from my playbook and sneaks back out to rage. Classic move: thank the guy for taking care of you, walk to the front door, wait until he’s out of sight, then bust a bitch back to the bar. Pretty standard procedure if you ask me. Ok, so this week things got a little weird. Emphasis on little. Rumor has it that Ham was spotted with an average looking rando inside the bathroom at the bar.
“3) Mr. Hamilton is then approached by a very average looking woman. 4) They start slapping each others butts and making out near the stairwell area. At this point the Sherlock’s manager is trying to block people from using their camera phones. 5) Mr. Hamilton and the woman make their way into the rear area across from the pool table area near the patio. 6) Loud sexually oriented noise is emanating from within the men’s restroom. Sherlock’s manager is blocking the entrance to the restroom. 7) After about 5 minutes the woman exits the men’s restroom. She seems to have a big smile on her face and her jaw is kind of dropped open. She returns to her table in the dining area.”
This is all speculation, but if it turns out to be true it could change the way people view Josh. After all, the guy is married to a pretty smoking blonde, and he’s out there pulling a weeknight cheat with an average looking bar-slam. Look, I know a lot of us aren’t comfortable talking about it, but at some point we need to recognize that we are all cool with cheating down. Should Josh have put in a little more effort and taken a run at a more suitable slut bag? Maybe, but you have to understand that Josh is an alpha male, and sometimes the alpha has to get in there and hole it just because. It’s basic physiology. Look it up. He’s the leader of the pack, and the leader of the pack is programmed to pound ass at any level. So before we all rush to judge Josh, we as fraternity men need to ask ourselves: Are we above a Monday night average cheat? You can’t tell me you’ve never found yourself in a stall at Chimy’s, pants around the ankles, with a 5 bent over the porcelain gripping a wet toilet seat. It may be taboo, but we as a society need to acknowledge that sometimes you’ve gotta get in there and hole something strange. It keeps you honest.