Moms worry. It’s what they do. It doesn’t matter if you’re playing sports, driving on long road trips or dating that new chick she’s still unsure of, she is always worried something bad will happen to you. It’s on page 1 in the Mom Guide. It’s her nature, and it’s because she loves you. This becomes exponentially truer when you leave her nest for college.
She has to keep in touch with you.
Subject: Your Cousin Cindy
Date: March 23, 2013 8:10 AM
Hi, Carl. It’s Mom again. I take it you never got the cookies I sent you. This upsets me. After you panicked I realized that me sending it to your frat house meant that your rude frat brothers likely intercepted the package. They were darn good cookies, too!
This really breaks my heart, Carl. Not because those mean frat guys ate the cookies I baked for you, but it made me realize that it made you a target for even MORE harrassment. Oh my God, what have I done to you? Here you are having such a hard time with all the hazing and sleep deprivation, and I do something so dadgum stupid and put a huge target on your back.
I don’t know how you will ever find room in your heart to forgive me, but I’m so sorry, Carl.
There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about, though, son. I talked to your cousin Cindy last night for quite a long time. You know your cousin Cindy, the one that goes to your school yet you never talk to! Anyway, the phone conversation we had was a very somber one. She was not a happy camper, to say the least. She even shed some tears, Carl. I’m sure you know why, too! Why did you do it, Carl? She’s your cousin and she loves you.
Very sad and worried,
P.S. I still love you more than anything.
Subject: Re: Your Cousin Cindy
Date: March 23, 2013 11:18 AM
I didn’t do anything to Cindy.
Subject: Re: Re: Your Cousin Cindy
Date: March 23, 2013 11:27 AM
Don’t play dumb, Carl. Not this time. Not when we’re talking about your sweet cousin. You know exactly what this is about. She’s devastated. All she wants is to make friends at your school. And you’re so popular (especially now that everyone got some yummy cookies because of you! LOL), so you’re her best bet on meeting new people. You let her down.
How could you, Carl? How could you?!
P.S. Baxter looks upset. He’s disappointed in you! 🙁
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Your Cousin Cindy
Date: March 23, 2013 3:40 PM
You wouldn’t understand, Mom.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Cousin Cindy
Date: March 23, 2013 3:48 PM
Well then help me understand, mister.
YOU FORCEFULLY KICKED YOUR LOVING COUSIN OUT OF YOUR FRAT PARTY IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!!!
How could you do this to her? I was just telling you how she is so shy and doesn’t have any friends at your college. Then on top of all that, those sororities didn’t let her in! She didn’t get any bids! Not even from the slutty sororities! She’s so devastated. You were her one ally at school and you just kicked her out of a party in front of people that could have been her friends.
She also told me that your frat friends said some awful things about her appearance as you were escorting her off your front porch. She’s been struggling with her weight since she was a kid. You know she can’t help it. CAAAARL!!!
Please talk to me about this.
P.S. Baxter is feeling ill I think. My emotions are starting to affect him!
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Cousin Cindy
Date: March 23, 2013 9:10 PM
They made me do it. That’s all I can say. I’m really sorry. I’ll make it up to her.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Cousin Cindy
Date: March 23, 2013 10:11 PM
I am in shock that you would associate yourself with people that treat others like this, but more importantly, I’m shocked that you would actually comply with a request like that. You two are family and best friends! What has happened to you? You were such a good kid just a couple months ago.
How can I help you? So scared, Carl. So, so scared.
– Your broken mother
P.S. Can Bax and I come visit you at college? We may be able to cheer you up. 🙂
P.P.S. I spoke to your chapter president. I got his phone # off your frat’s website. He was actually really nice. Very surprised about that. I talked to him about your cousin and how she just wants to make new friends, and the frat guys would be perfect friends for her. I asked him to please let her come back to some frat parties. Good news! He said he’d let her in!!! There is hope, Carl!
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Cousin Cindy
Date: March 24, 2013 10:52 AM
You called my chapter president…?
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Cousin Cindy
Date: March 24, 2013 11:00 AM
You bet I did! Such a sweetheart! Cindy is going to be so happy.
P.S. Baxter says ruff.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Cousin Cindy
Date: March 24, 2013 11:05 AM
Actually yeah, go ahead and come visit me and bring Dad’s shotgun to put me out of my misery. But leave that rat fuck Baxter at home.
P.S. There’s a decent chance Cindy is pregnant.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Cousin Cindy
Date: March 24, 2013 11:06 AM
You’re a monster, Carl.