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Your Fraternity As A Baseball Team

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Fraternities and the grand game of baseball are two time-honored American institutions. The parallels between the two go much further than what meets the eye. Imagine your house as a Major League Baseball team and how your 25-man roster would be constructed…

Batting Order

Leadoff Man
This is the guy you want leading the charge. He’ll get on base, steal a bag, and maybe hit for some pop. Just like a baseball team’s top of the order man sets the tone, your house’s leadoff man is likely the guy who cracks the first beer before everyone gets back from afternoon class. The leadoff man also must know plenty of girls to set the table for the heart of the order later on in the night. He scores more than anyone else, so make sure you pick him up when he sets you up for success.

#3 Hitter
On the diamond, this spot in the lineup is reserved for the best hitter on the team. In the fraternity house, your #3 hitter is the Alpha Male. Usually seen with gorgeous women under his arms and double fisting beers, the three-spot is a revered role in your house. He’s big in the clutch and there’s no one you’d rather go to in a must-score situation.

Cleanup Hitter
Once the #3 hitter has done his job, the cleanup man is tasked with feeding off the scraps left over by the #3 man or picking up the #3 hitter when he can’t close the deal. He swings for the fences every time. He might strike out more than anyone else, but he still pulls and intimidates anyone with his sheer presence in a room. Chicks dig the long ball.

The Designated Hitter
Talk about a guy who is pretty one dimensional, but he’s damn good at that one dimension. May not be the smoothest cat when sober, but give him a few beers and he turns into a vagina magnet. Women flock to him when he’s drunk, despite him being pretty worthless otherwise. But that’s his role and he embraces it. He’ll sit on the bench most of the game, but when it’s his time to shine, he rakes.

#9 Hitter
Pledges usually. Worst on the team. His job is to try and make the leadoff man’s job easier. Take pitches/hazing like a man. Don’t fuck it all up. Just be glad you’re on the team.


Utility Man
Versatile. Reliable. Consistent. Put him in any situation and you’ll be pleased with the results. He can lay down a bunt in a high-pressure late innings situation and understands his role. Everyone in the house appreciates him because he gets the job done. He has worked his way up through the system as a homegrown pledge and cracked exec in his junior year. The utility man is responsible and level-headed. He’s the glue that holds it all together despite the fact that he is not the most talented guy.

Backup Catcher
He’s in the swan song of his career. Lucky to still be around, this senior is still living in house, trying to squeeze the last ounce of fratting out of his dwindling career. He was great once, but his skills have noticeably faded as graduation approaches. He’s still respected throughout the clubhouse/fraternity and can still pick ‘em with the best. You can see where the value lies in his game as all the young bucks come to him for advice.

Pitching Staff

The Ace
This one speaks for itself. He’s the face guy of the house and is the one you can absolutely count on to get the job done in the most desperate of situations. He doesn’t appear as much as everyone else on the team, but when he does, it’s simply majestic. People would pay good money just to see him in action. His game is electric and his deadly control sets him apart from the pack. The minute he steps on the playing field, the game’s already over. Everyone else should just go home.

The Setup Man
Of all the roles on a team, the setup man’s job might be the most underappreciated. Get the ball to your best pitcher and set the squad up for a win. The Setup Man in a fraternity is the guy always looking one step ahead. Where are after bars gonna be? Where’s formal gonna be next semester? How many kegs will we need at tailgate next season? He might as well be the best damn player on the team, but he has accepted his role and knows his time will come, but for now, he’s helping his brothers out.

The Closer
Just like the last three outs of a baseball game are the toughest to get, the last three minutes before closing time are the toughest to get girls. But this guy knows how to work out of tight situations. He’s got a silver tongue and can tame even the wildest of women. Just as you sense victory is being snatched from your grasp, this guy can swoop in and talk you up before he makes his rounds to find his own lady to bed that night. He might get himself into trouble from time to time, but he always finds his way out of it in dazzling fashion.


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The Champions Tour is a writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. If you don't know who he is, just ask your older sister about him.

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