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Your Guide to the Home Run Derby and How to Drink to It

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It’s Home Run Derby time baby! Few things are more frat than raw displays of athletic power. The Home Run Derby is one of the great frat sporting events, drunkenly emulated with wiffleball sets on frat castle lawns across the country.

With the official Home Run Derby taking place this evening, it’s only fitting that everyone be as plastered for it as they are for their own impromptu slugging contests. With 8 hitters going after it tonight, everyone can pick 2 players. For every home run take a chug of beer. Every home run over 450 feet take a shot of whiskey. Three home runs in a row earns half a beer. Six earns a full beer chugged on the spot and anything over six in a row is a waterfall. Every round advanced by one of your sluggers, shotgun a beer.

Here’s a quick guide to the players competing in tonight’s contest:


Robinson Cano – New York Yankees – Cano is the defending champ and is my pick to repeat in 2012 as the Home Run Derby Champion. He’s a lefty with 20 homers before the break and the ball is said to travel better to right field in Kansas City than to left, so the south paws have a distinct advantage tonight.

Prince Fielder – Detroit Tigers – Fielder is the most experienced slugger in the derby, making his fourth appearance tonight. Don’t be fooled by his lowly 15 homeruns before the break, he plays in a pitcher’s park in Detroit. Fielder is a lefty, which works in his favor at the K. He’s got a shot at winning this thing. Plus, there is nothing more awe inspiring than seeing Prince really connect with one. When he turns on one he goes full on retard. Expect a couple whiskey shots with some 500 footers coming from the big guy.

Mark Trumbo – Los Angeles Angels – One of the reasons this year’s derby is going to be a good one is all of the new faces. Popping his derby cherry in his second year, and my selection as runner up to Cano, is Mark Trumbo. Big time oaf. Trumbo hit ball, ball go far.

Carlos Beltran – St. Louis Cardinals – Beltran is a switch hitter. He is also a monster. He’s got 20 HR’s going into the break and already has a 460 footer in a game this year, imagine what he will do with someone lobbing 75 mph meatballs to him.


Jose Bautista – Toronto Blue Jays – Bautista is tied with Hamilton for most homers in both leagues going into the break, but don’t let that fool you. Last year Bautista was a dud, hitting four homers and failing to advance from the first round. So while he appears to be a beast, he has a history of derby related performance issues.

Carlos Gonzalez – Colorado Rockies –Carlos Gonzalez is a badass…at Coors Field. He’s got 17 home runs this year and is only 26 years old so I’m interested in watching tonight, but playing in the Mile High City has contributed greatly to not only his HR production, but hitting in general. CarGo has one of the most stark home/road splits in the game.

Andrew McCutchen – Pittsburgh Pirates – McCutchen has been the face of the first half in the NL and is looking like the early MVP favorite, but a derby favorite he is not. He is a righty and a pull hitter with little power to right field, which will hurt tonight.

Matt Kemp – Los Angeles Dodgers – The injury plauged Matt Kemp rounds out our list of duds. Not sure if trying to crush balls 500 feet for an hour is something I’d want my franchise player doing if he was battling the injury bug, but whatever.

Choose wisely, picking first place and runner up could lead to a bed peeing or a cry fest with 20 calls to your ex-girlfriend. Nobody wants that.

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