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Your Typical Shitshow in the Woods

Now that the weather is finally starting to cool down everyone seems to be breaking out their trusty hunting jackets in time for one of my favorite parts of the year: Woodser Season. For those of you who live under a rock or just finished pledgeship, a woodser is where a group of fine young ladies and gentlemen go out into the middle of a patch of woods and proceed to get completely annihilated. If you are fortunate enough to be invited to one of these functions, rest assured a good time awaits. This is a typical rundown of how the night will unfold:

5:30pm: Grab some food from the house to line your stomach with greasy meat. Seriously though, why the fuck did the cook make Chinese food today?

6:00pm: Stop by the gas station to grab supplies so that you can pregame for the pregame.

6:15pm: Shotgun with other brothers that are also attending the wooded blackout.

6:17pm: There’s always one guy who misses the first shotgun. Thank God for mulligans.

6:52pm: Holy shit! How long have you had moonshine in the mini-fridge?

7:15pm: Date arrives to house for actual pregame. Good thing you pregamed for this. It’s not like she put a handle of Jack Daniels in your cooler or anything (if your date “didn’t have time” to make you a cooler, chances are you aren’t getting laid).

7:30pm: Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots Shots Shots, Shots, Shots…

7:45pm: “Wait…the buses leave at 8:30? We better drink this faster.”

8:00pm: Break out moonshine. It burns the whole way down, but has a nice peach aftertaste if you can get past the initial rubbing alcohol flavor.

8:10pm: Did your date just say “late bus?”

9:30pm: Apparently everyone else also knew about this late bus. 76 people are packed on one school bus with no bathroom, hammered out of their fucking minds. The bus driver might get drunk just from breathing through his mouth. This was a great idea.

10:15pm: Probably should have taken a piss before getting on the bus. Don’t think about it. Just hold it.

10:18pm: “So…where the hell is this place anyways?”

10:22pm: JESUS CHRIST, how can you not feel your face but still have to piss this bad?

10:45pm: Arrival. You and 37 other guys are pissing in a straight line along the fence of whatever-the-hell this farm is called.

11:00pm: Wow this band sucks, and you are fucking shit hammered. Time for a dip/chew/cigarette to clear your head so you can maintain consciousness. Find token brother who always has tobacco.

11:15pm to 1:00am: Stop trying to remember this part. No one remembers this part. In all honesty there is really no point in trying. You and 250 people stumbled around an empty barn while a shitty cover band played Free Bird without the awesome guitar solo. You probably puked in a haystack somewhere because the house cook’s Mongolian beef didn’t settle well.

1:15am: Buses depart for home, and you somehow snagged a seat without having to share with another couple.

1:30am: Everyone is asleep. Outside the pants handjob.

1:31am: Find blanket in bucket.

1:32am: OTPHJ becomes old-fashioned handjob.

1:35am: Guido kid who had too much “Goose” begins to coat side of the bus in vomit. Everyone wakes up. Dammit. At least you aren’t the guy sitting three rows behind him with the window open.

2:30am: Arrive home. Go back to date’s place to finish what the guido rudely interrupted.

3:00am: “Yeah I have to wake up early tomorrow for class…I better get going.” “Tomorrow is Saturday.” Shit she’s right. “Driver education class for a speeding ticket.” Damn you’re quick.

As soon as you get back to your warm bed, you enjoy the drunken slumber that can only be had after a shitshow event like a woodser. Don’t worry about not remembering anything in the morning, it tends to happen after pulling moonshine and shooting whiskey in the woods.

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jakewgoldman

Grandex Marketing Manager, Snack Enthusiast, Lover, Gator. Co-Host of the Inside TFM Podcast.

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