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Another week of Scott Hanson saving me from killing myself as I go in and out of having panic attacks about things that are out of my control twelve hours of commercial-free football in the books. In all honesty, not the best week of football; most of the games were more blown out than a trust-fund baby in Vegas on their twenty-first birthday, but we have a lot to discuss.
Daniel Jones Relapsed: Fuck, man. I genuinely feel bad for Daniel Jones. He reminds me of this guy that used to pump my gas every day in high school (I’m from NJ). We built a friendship after he got the job while living in a halfway house, and for six months, we’d see each other every other day and briefly talk about life. Then, one day he wasn’t there and I knew he was back on oxy in the bottom of my heart. I had that exact same feeling watching Daniel Jones commit his fourth turnover today. Addiction is a disease.
The Ravens Defense Is Legitimate: We can all agree that Justin Herbert looked like an MVP candidate going into yesterday’s game, so holding what has been an unstoppable Chargers offense to six points is impressive. The Ravens defense was also apparently just as sick of the NFL Media deepthroating Brandon Staley as I was because they made him look like an idiot both times he went for it on fourth down in his own territory. This was a classic Baltimore Ravens win from my childhood, just without a murderer on the field. Great running, great defense, and great coaching.
Sam Darnold Has Turned Back Into A Pumpkin: If my ex-girlfriends have learned anything from a relationship with me, I think it would be that no matter how hard you try, you can’t change someone in a year. And make no mistake, Sam Darnold is BAAAD. Like, a substitute teacher’s breath at nine in the morning after coffee and three cigarettes under her belt bad. While the Vikings are better than their three wins indicate, the Panthers find themselves on the other side of that coin. Also, healthy Dalvin Cook is a fucking monster.
Aaron Rodgers May Have Killed BarstoolBigCat: I’m almost completely indifferent to the Chicago Bears, yet for the past five years, I’ve found myself vehemently rooting against them because BigCat getting his heart broken is always good for a laugh on Monday mornings. That being said, this reminded me of coming home from college freshman year and that one kid that stayed in-state being overly into a beer pong game while the rest of us were trying to have a conversation. There was a lot of aggression in that “I still own you.” Congrats to the Chicago Sky!
Kellen Moore Is On Fire: The narrative over the next prized coach has left Carolina for Dallas, and for a good reason. According to my Twitter timeline, the Cowboys have maybe the best offense…ever? In all seriousness, I don’t know how you stop the Cowboys when Dak is playing this well. On the other side of the ball, Mac Jones finally got a chance to throw for more than seven yards, and he relished the opportunity. Both fan bases can walk away from this with optimism.
Carson Wentz Plays Well: I guess we are now considering 11/20 for 200 yards to be a good game? The eye test says that Carson Wentz played up to his contract yesterday. Sure, the Houston Texans’ defense has cerebral palsy, but a win is a win. Watching AFC South football is fucking torture, man.
Cleveland Stays Bipolar on Baker: Every week, Browns’ fans have a new opinion on whether or not Baker deserves a big contract this offseason. One week he’s an All-Pro quarterback, and the next, he’s Ryan Leaf. At this point, I think we can all agree that the Baker is better when Odell isn’t on the field take ISN’T insane. The Cardinals continue to look dominant on defense, which is a scary thought because these motherfuckers are putting thirty points a game up with the ease of Allen Iverson in 2001. Isaiah Simmons has his hat in the ring for defensive player of the year.
The Steelers Aren’t Dead: Losing to Geno Smith in overtime would have been the nail in the coffin for the Steelers, or most teams, I guess. They really needed a win to stay competitive within what could be argued is the best division in football. Surprisingly, there were a few times today where Big Ben reminded us that his arm still works. As for the Seahawks, as much as Russell Wilson listening to a playlist of Christian rap and The Rock’s new rap song does for your team, I think for the first time in a long time, we won’t see the Seahawks in the hunt this year.
Before I close my analysis, I want to acknowledge all those who fought the good fight to get minor league baseball players housing accommodated. If you aren’t familiar with what has been going on in minor league baseball, there is a mental health crisis in part due to poor living conditions, a lack of a living wage, and oftentimes alcoholism- it’s a really fucked up situation that has been brought to public attention the last few years. While MLB teams offering to pay for their players to live in better conditions than Boy Scout Camp is long overdue, it’s a step in the right direction.
