Let’s be honest—your drink choice is a confession. You might think you’re just ordering whatever’s cheapest, but deep down, you’re telling the bartender (and everyone watching) who you really are.
Vodka Red Bull – You peaked during syllabus week and haven’t stopped chasing the high. You don’t want a buzz—you want jet fuel and maybe a mild cardiac episode. Will 100% end up shirtless by 11 p.m. Not the best look.
Bud Light – You’re not here for a good time or a bad time. You’re here for a safe time. Probably wearing khakis. Probably has a fantasy football team named “LaPorta Potty.”
Tequila Shot – You’re either about to have the best night of your life or get banned from three bars and a Taco Bell. There’s no in-between. You crave chaos and lime wedges. Wild card. Proceed with caution.
Whiskey Coke – You want to look like you’ve got your life together but still enjoy the sweet taste of bad decisions. Will 100% text an ex before last call.
IPA Guy – You own a record player. You say “notes of citrus” unironically. Your jeans are cuffed and your Spotify playlist has “vibes” in the title. You’re not better than us—you just drink slower.
White Claw – You started ironically. Now you’re six deep and screaming “ain’t no laws” like it’s 2019. You are 50% seltzer, 50% self-denial, and we almost respect it.
Rum and Coke – You haven’t changed your order since freshman year. And why would you? It works. It’s tasty. You’re loyal. Also: you definitely hit on someone in line for the bathroom.
Gin & Tonic – You either read books or lie about reading books. Sophisticated, mysterious, and slightly unhinged. Will start deep philosophical debates at the bar and disappear before closing.
Whatever you’re drinking, own it. Just know that every sip is a vibe check—and someone’s silently judging you from across the bar.
