Alright, listen up, fellas—this one’s a doozy. So there’s this guy from Pennsylvania who, for reasons that escape the realm of basic logic, decided to stash a live turtle in his pants. Yeah, you heard that right—a turtle. Not a bottle of bourbon, not a pack of smokes, but a full-on reptile. He was at Newark Liberty International Airport, trying to make his way through security, when the TSA’s body scanner had one of those “something’s fishy” moments. And by fishy, I mean turtle-y.
This guy, let’s call him “Captain Turtlepants,” gets flagged for a weird bulge in the groin area. The TSA agent does a quick pat-down, and lo and behold—he pulls out a 5-inch turtle wrapped in a towel. And not just any turtle—he’s got himself a red-ear slider, a real classic pet turtle. How charming, right? Not to mention, incredibly convenient to store in your pants. If he was trying to smuggle something, I can think of about 100 things better than a turtle down your pants, but hey, what do I know?
After this little turtle reveal, our guy was escorted out of the terminal, missing his flight, and his pet turtle was confiscated. No word yet on what charges, if any, he’s facing, but one thing’s for sure—this will forever be the guy who tried to sneak a turtle through airport security. So, the moral of the story: never try to travel with reptiles in your pants unless you’re absolutely sure they’ll stay calm. And maybe rethink your pet choices. Just a thought.
