We love your attitude and think you’ll fit in nicely with the rest of the boys. Plus, we think your cargo shorts are really, really cool.
That’s some BS I’d say to a pledge after finding out he won the Powerball—exactly what happened this past weekend.
On Saturday, September 6th, a ZBT (Zeta Beta Tau) pledge at the University of Texas at Austin won the near-record-setting $1.8 billion Powerball and split the total with another winner from Missouri.
This was the second-biggest Powerball ever (the 2022 Powerball reached over $2 billion). There were 41 consecutive winless draws before the September 6th drawing, dating back to May 31st. That’s roughly 13 weeks without a winner—a full White Boy summer. That seems to be how the Powerball works: most people aren’t going to “waste” money on a Powerball that would pay out $20 million, but $1.8 billion? That’s an investment, homeboy.
The brothers of ZBT must be finance majors because pledges were reportedly told to buy two tickets each. If true, that’s the greatest hazing story in Greek life history. It’s not clear if there’s a split among the pledges or the brothers, but surely nothing bad comes of that gray area. Lottery winners seldom go to court against family and friends except for this time, or this time, or this time, or this time, or this time.
Both winners are gonna have to pay the IRS’ automatic 24% withholding on big jackpots, on top of being rocket-launched into the 37% federal tax bracket. That sets both winners at about $260 million apiece—but unlike Soviet Missouri, Texas doesn’t have a state income tax, meaning that pledge will take home roughly $16.5 million more than the Missourian.
What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall at their next chapter. How do you even function as a chapter for the rest of the year? You’re at chapter, and your president says, “Hey, can everyone chip in for a keg this Saturday?” Meanwhile, the general Comms major sitting next to you now has enough money to buy Anheuser-Busch.
