Betting on College Football WITHOUT using logic

Too many times you turn on a football pregame show and see a bunch of talking heads tell you who they think will win.

“Bill, what’s your opinion on the game?”

“Well, Jim, I like the Bears to win this game. They’re just so dang solid blah blah blah”

First of all, these guys don’t have a fucking clue what’s going to happen.

They should really be saying:

“Bill, we are almost out of time here, my producer says we have two minutes to kill. Instead of us giving the viewer two minutes of dead air, why don’t you and your plastic chin just let your mouth run for about… well… two minutes.”

“That’s a great idea, Jim. Afterall, I was only hired for this job because I played football 20 years ago and I have a face for television. Oh, and by the way, your plastic surgery looks great too, Jim, you totally can’t tell how much work you’ve had done on your face since you’ve entered the television industry. Anyways, on to the games. I didn’t do any research for these matchups, so I’m just going to predict that all the favorites will win and I’ll just talk out of my ass about why these teams are good.”

Second of all. No one has a fucking clue what will happen. Not even the experts. It’s sports. It’s entertainment, science, and magic all fused into one. It’s entirely incalculable. But then again, sports betting is still incredibly riveting.

Because sports betting is so fun and because using logic alone simply isn’t enough to accurately predict the outcomes, I decided to pick three betting locks… but make these decisions completely devoid of logic. Maybe we’ve been doing it wrong all along.

10 ranked Clemson is on the road playing at NC State. The spread is Clemson -10. So the Clemson mascot is a tiger. I don’t know how many things in nature can take down a tiger. I think even a bear would have trouble with a tiger. NC State’s mascot is “The Wolfpack.” That’s kind of broad. We don’t know how many wolves are in this pack. It could be a pack of 30 wolves or it could be a one-man-wolfpack with Zach Galifianakis. We really just don’t know and I don’t want to roll the dice either. We saw what happened when the one-man-wolfpack took on a tiger in The Hangover. The tiger won and covered. I’m taking Clemson -10.

7 ranked Texas A&M is on the road playing at 16 ranked Arkansas (By the way, Arkansas isn’t pronounced ‘Ar + Kansas’. The ‘s’ is silent, just in case you weren’t sure.) The spread is Texas A&M -4. Interesting thing about Texas A&M is that the ‘A’ in ‘A&M’ stands for ‘agriculture’ and the ‘M’ stands for ‘mechanical’. I don’t see an ‘A’ or an ‘M’ behind Arkansas. I just see a state name that has a weird pronunciation. The ‘s’ is silent? Since when? I’m taking Texas A&M -4. 

24 ranked UCLA is on the road playing Stanford. The spread is UCLA -4. Fun fact about UCLA, their football stadium is actually the stadium where the Rose Bowl is played. They wanted to make it simple for us, so the stadium is called ‘The Rose Bowl.’ I like that. If UCLA plays hard enough all year, they can actually play in the Rose Bowl Game at home in the Rose Bowl. How cool is that? I think that this will motivate them to beat every team they play here on out. I’m taking UCLA -4.