Henry Marken
Good afternoon to all my fellow college football enthusiasts, and to all my associates on the West Coast who are just crawling out of bed, good morning angels.
Today is a great fucking day.
It’s the opening day of college football… and I could not be more fucking stoked. God I have been waiting to gamble on meaningful football games for far too long.
I just want to feel something again.
Because I am so stuffed with satisfying sensations on a fantastic day like today, I am overwhelmed with a need to be selfless and philanthropic; a need to spread my happiness.
So here it is. I will gladly hand out some gambling picks today to help pay off some of your rent. These picks aren’t just safe locks. In fact, these locks are so safe, they make a little Sunday afternoon stroll with Grandma look like the X-Games.
Are you ready?
Here they are.
Illinois +6.5 vs Nebraska. Take Illinois and the points. There’s nothing to be motivated about if you play for Nebraska.
Sure, let me just throw my body on the line for 60 minutes… all so that we can all get drunk in a cornfield later.
UCLA -17.5 vs Hawaii. Take UCLA to cover. I don’t think I remember the last time I saw Hawaii cover any spread. Maybe they did before I was born, perhaps during a time when I was merely a thought in my father’s mind, but not while I was alive. God no.
Don’t quote me on that, by the way, I’m sure they have covered a lot. I have just never seen it happen with my own eyeballs.
Let’s let the mascots decide who wins. My gut says a Bruin can beat and cover a Rainbow Warrior in a fight any day of the week. Take UCLA to cover.
Finally, a little night game action to make you sweat. San Jose State -25.5 vs Southern Utah. Take SJSU and don’t ever look back. Hammer that shit. That is a good program and the game spread should honestly be SJSU -50. It’s really not that hard to score four touchdowns these days, especially in this economy. All any offense wants to do now is throw for 500 yards a game.
Well, I’ve done my part. I hope this helps pay off some of your rent, unless of course you live in San Francisco. You might need nine of these blogs to help. If by any unlikely chance these don’t hit (which is a statement I have to say, by the way) I am just another crazy guy on the internet who you shouldn’t listen to.
But when they do hit… be sure to check back in with me next week for more “financial aid.”
Cheers.
