This might be the first year of gambling, or you’re a degenerate veteran. Regardless there are dumbasses like myself trying to give you tips and sound more intelligent than we are. I can give you all of the stats, but it’s gambling at the end of the day, and I’m an idiot. Having money on a game makes everything more fun. You can blindly follow the publics’ picks and either celebrate or be pissed off with everybody. In week one, the public might as well have burned their money since going 5-11. In week two, it was like banging your cousin since the public went 8-8. The public record for the season is 13-19. Let’s see if the public can be better this weekend.
Right now, the public is all over Atlanta since 65% of bets are on them. The public doesn’t believe in Daniel Jones, but they believe in Matt Ryan for some reason. Nobody has fallen harder off a cliff than Matt Ryan did after the Patriots came back in the Super Bowl. This man went from banging babes every other night to being lucky if he could pay a hooker enough to blow him.
The public believes that week one was a blip and the Jameis Winston we saw in week two is the normal Jameis since 59% of bets are on the Patriots. It looks like Belichick has found the quarterback of the future in Mac Jones. People didn’t believe in the dad bod as he fell right into the laps of New England. Mac is the guy in the movie who is not overly attractive but has a heart of gold and treats the smoke show like she’s a queen.
Washington made the playoffs last year even though they had an under .500 record. They had the motto of C’s get degrees, and it worked. They added Fitzmagic this offseason, and with that magic and their great defense, they looked to repeat as back-to-back division winners. Well… Fitzmagic hurt his hip like some 90-year-old woman.
The Bills looked terrific last week after they had a sluggish start in week one against the Steelers. It must have been jarring for the players to see Bills Mafia after an entire year with no fans in stadiums. The public is ready to jump through tables as 55% of bets are on Buffalo for this game.
People are snuggling up in Andy Reid’s huge Hawaiian shirts as 62% of bets are on the Chiefs. Kansas City is looking to bounce back after Lamar Jackson ran a train over them like a white chick in a room full of BBC. The Chargers won’t be an easy team as ultimate Cali frat bro Justin Herbert leads them. The combination of Herbert and a great defense makes the Chargers a dark horse for the AFC West. They will need to pull off a Rocky type of upset to beat the Chiefs. Even though Mahomes Kermit the frog voice sounds like nothing like Drago, he is the Russian monster. I want to hear that voice say if he dies, he dies.
Da Bears go into the dog pound where it’s the clash of the two craziest fan bases. Somehow these fans keep showing up even though their teams have been flaming pieces of shit for years. That’s true fandom. Da Bears fan’s wishes have been granted as Justin Fields will be the starter since Dalton hurt something. It was probably his ego as every person in Chicago hoped that he was in an accident, and Matt Nagy had no choice but to start Fields. Let’s just hope that Fields doesn’t piss Myles Garrett off where he’s dodging helmets. The public doesn’t care about Fields and is all over the Browns since 65% of bets are on Cleveland. Cleveland looks like a Super Bowl contender, but they do love to play down against their opponents. I guess once a shit team always a shit team.
Cardinals -7.5 vs. Jaguars +7.5
This is the most one-sided bet of the weekend since 86% of picks are on Arizona. Kyler Murray is making short kings proud everywhere as he is running all over teams. The man looks like the sweet innocent pornstar who is about to be part of a gangbang. Trevor Lawrence and his long locks are heading towards being a bust. It doesn’t help that the Jaguars head coach is already written in as USC’s head coach. I don’t care how many contracts he makes to his family; there’s a high chance he leaves for Cali. Imagine going from college where you have all the NFL talent and then going into the NFL where your opponents have just as good talent. It’s not fair for poor Urban.
It wouldn’t be an NFL year without Big Ben claiming that he’s hurt. That man has spent more time in a walking boot than you trying to get that bartender’s attention in a packed bar. The Steelers might have a great defense, but that doesn’t matter if you can’t score points. The public believes that the Steelers offense will figure it out since 61% of picks are on Pittsburgh. The Bengals are still the Bengals, and it’ll be a long time before Joe Burrow is smoking a celebratory cigar in Cincinnati.
The public doesn’t believe that Carson Wentz will be healthy for this game as 78% of picks are on Tennessee. Wentz looks like god damn Bambi out there, and I’m just happy that I no longer have to blindly defend him. How the fuck does one sprain both ankles? Derrick Henry shoved his stiff arm up everybody’s ass last week, and the boys are looking to keep it rolling.
The public can’t decide if 10.5 points are too many points for Denver to cover. Remember, they get paid to play the game. Denver has the slight edge over New York since 52% of the bets are on the Broncos. Zach Wilson was seeing ghosts last week as he threw for 4 interceptions. Denver looks like a solid team with Big Dick Teddy leading them. The Broncos’ defense is fully back, and will a solid offense be what they were missing?
Dolphins +3.5 vs. Raiders -3.5
People thought the Dolphins would take the next step, and Tua would be their QB of the future. Now that plan is up in the air, Tua is out for at least 3 weeks with a rib injury. Miami is ready to gamble on DeShaun Watson’s 30 rape allegations. There’s going to be a trade where if Watson is found guilty, Miami will get all of their picks back, and somehow Bill O’ Brien will be involved in the trade. The Raiders are a surprising 2-0, and the public believes they will become 3-0 since 74% of the picks are on Vegas.
Kirk Cousins looks like the frat bro who you can convince to do a butt chug. The public thinks that the Vikings have no chance since 71% of picks are on Seattle. It’s the first half of the season, so we are seeing MVP Wilson, and all of the annoying NFL journalists will let us know that he has never received an MVP vote. Seattle lost a thrilling overtime game last week, and Minnesota had a chance to win against Arizona, but their kicker had a limp leg and missed the game-winningBuccan kick.
Old man Brady is making me look like an idiot week after week. This is going to be a must-watch game. I love the Rams, but the public disagrees with me since 65% of picks are on Tampa.
Aaron Rodgers is back on the revenge tour as he crushed the Lions last week. Calm down, Aaron. It was Detroit who has been dog shit forever. The 49ers played in a defensive battle with the Eagles last week and will look to stop Rodgers this week. The public thinks that the revenge tour will carry on as 56% of picks are on Green Bay.
Fuck the 57% of the public who think the Cowboys will cover this spread. Fly Eagles, Fly motherfuckers.
Are you going to blindly follow the public, or do you think they’re all idiots? If you were to fade the public in the first two weeks, you would be making money, so it wouldn’t be a bad idea to go against the public.
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