Henry Marken
A couple days ago, the world, once again, had the absolute pleasure of cheering on the beloved boxer, comedian, and humanitarian, Jake Paul, in another pay per view fight.
God, what a sentence.
It’s funny because I’m sure if Jake Paul read that introductory sentence I made for him, he probably wouldn’t think twice about it. That schmuck would think it was entirely righteous and deserved.
Honestly, I was having trouble this morning thinking of public figures on the internet I dislike more than Jake Paul, or his dipshit brother for that matter, until I came across some Ben Shapiro clickbait content on my Snapchat discover page… I almost slammed my head in the door a couple times just to clear my mind a little.
Jesus Christ. If I were trapped on a desolate island with any of those jamokes I listed above, I think I’d just sit under a coconut tree and wait for one to fall, hit me in the head, and kill me.
God, that fight was awful television. Not just because Jake Paul won, but because I once again feel used for my time and feel like I’m personally fueling the fire and contributing to this god awful biannual cash grab of watching Jake Paul fight ex UFC fighters.
I keep reading about people saying, “It’s about time we start respecting Jake Paul as a boxer,” and I keep having this urge to violently vomit at the same time.
This guy is a fraud who is just as fake as the direction that pay per view boxing is heading. I mean Christ, the judges couldn’t agree on the last five rounds. It was as if they were all watching a different fight, or smoking crack in the breakroom.
Jake Paul thought he could cure bullying in one swift sentence on live television. He may have just inspired and laid the groundwork for the next generation of school violence by encouraging kids at school to pick up boxing and solve every problem with a closed fist.
I’m so sick of this guy and his family. They just love being assholes on the biggest platforms. I mean, hell, call it good marketing and branding… I guess. Sure, I’m writing about them now on a Tuesday afternoon. They found a way to piss me off. If that’s what they want… congrats… that sucks.
Grow your brands until y’all are the most hated people on the internet.
That sucks.
I couldn’t tell you two things about Tyronn Woodley, but god dammit you better believe I’ll be rooting for that guy with every passionate cell in my body if there is a rematch. That guy deserved this fight, and as seemingly anticlimactic as it was, Woodley had the biggest hits and was in clear control of this fight.
I really wish that rope hadn’t been there. It would have been nice to see a closed fist knock Jake Paul to the ground.
