NFL Week 5: Betting Without Logic

This week, my betting logic of “zero-logic” applies to a slate of purely underdogs. 

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Now, without further ado… and logic, here are my picks for this weekend. 

The San Francisco 49ers are 5 point underdogs on the road at the Arizona Cardinals. Look, I don’t know if you’ve seen any 49ers games at all, but I can promise you that if you have, you would remember Jimmy Garappolo. For one second, let’s forget about football. I mean, holy shit, the guy is gorgeous. He looks like a Michelangelo sculpture, literally crafted out of clay. If God made humans in his image, who the hell made Jimmy G? Thanos? It must have been something of divine or seemingly infinite power because Jimmy G’s jawline could cut straight through reinforced steel. So here’s the question? If Jimmy wasn’t born, but crafted by a higher power, why the hell wouldn’t the 49ers cover a 5 point spread? Even if he wasn’t even suited up (which he is most likely slated to sit out for this game due to injury) why waste such a divine creation on a player who plays for a team that can’t cover 5 simple points. Take the Niners and the points!

The Philadelphia Eagles are 3 point underdogs on the road at the Carolina Panthers. First of all, the fact that the Carolina Panthers, who play in Charlotte, North Carolina, call themselves the Carolina Panthers is suspect. What do they have to hide by going by just Carolina and leaving out North from their proper location name? Very suspicious. Philadelphia has nothing to hide with their name presentation, therefore I know it truly is always sunny in Philadelphia, even when playing in Charlotte. Take the Eagles and the points!

The Buffalo Bills are 3 point underdogs on the road at the Kansas City Chiefs. Alright, let’s talk about money. Clearly if you want to win money, the best chance you have is to know where to find the money. I think it’s in Buffalo, not Kansas City. It’s called a dollar Bill, not a dollar Chief. This might be a confusing topic for Kansas City to grasp, I know that they still have not mentally recovered from the fact that Kansas City is not actually located in the state of Kansas. Take the Bills and the points!

Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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